The Weekly News Review: A look at the headlines from the past week. This week’s news proves once again that humanity is basically a group project where nobody reads the instructions.

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So apparently we’ve reached the stage of civilisation where even the Reflecting Pool in Washington, DC is filing complaints. You may recall that this historic monument was allegedly vandalised by a “sick, deranged” Olympian, according to President Trump, who has never once passed up the opportunity to diagnose strangers from a distance. But now prosecutors have dropped the charges because the damage was actually caused by wait for it the contractor. This means the Reflecting Pool was not vandalised by a rogue athlete but by the same kind of person who installs your kitchen cabinets so the doors never quite line up.This is peak America: a national monument ruined by shoddy workmanship, followed by a presidential statement blaming it on deranged criminals, followed by a legal document saying, “Actually, it was Gary from Installations Unlimited.” Somewhere, the Olympian is celebrating by doing a triple‑salchow of vindication.

Meanwhile, here in the UK, the National Farmers’ Union has announced that we might soon face a shortage of wheat, oats, and possibly anything that grows out of the ground. This is because the drought has been so bad that farmers have had to feed their livestock the winter rations early, which is the agricultural equivalent of eating your Christmas chocolates in September and pretending it was a strategic decision.NFU president Tom Bradshaw says yields are “very, very poor,” which is farmer‑speak for “we’re screwed.” Wheat is struggling, oats are struggling, and grass grass! has apparently decided to take a gap year. If this continues, Britain will soon be a nation sustained entirely by crisps, gin, and whatever is left in the back of the freezer. Honestly, we’ve been training for this moment our whole lives.

Across Europe, Ursula von der Leyen has called for “united action” on border security after tens of thousands of migrants surged into Ceuta, the Spanish exclave that exists mainly to confuse geography students. The situation was described as “chaotic,” which is diplomatic language for “everyone was running around yelling in several languages.” Von der Leyen wants Europe to work together, which is adorable, because Europe working together is like trying to get 27 people to agree on a pizza topping.

Speaking of chaos, a SpaceX rocket has apparently slammed into the Moon. Yes, the actual Moon. The Falcon 9 upper stage, weighing 4,000kg, was shed last year and then just… kept going. This is what happens when you leave things lying around in space: they drift off and crash into celestial bodies, like a cosmic version of losing control of a shopping trolley. NASA insists it’s fine, but somewhere on the Moon there is now a crater shaped like Elon Musk’s to‑do list.

Back on Earth specifically Nottingham Raleigh, the iconic bike manufacturer, has begun insolvency proceedings. This is heartbreaking because Raleigh bikes are a British childhood institution, right up there with conkers and being told to “go play outside until tea.” The company that owns Raleigh says it has “exhausted all available options,” which is business‑speak for “we tried turning it off and on again.” After losses of £30 million and a rough couple of years, the future looks bleak. If you own a Raleigh bike, cherish it. It may soon be worth more than your house.

Finally, in Florida because of course it’s Florida a 21‑year‑old flight instructor made an emergency landing on a highway during a student’s first ever lesson. This is the aviation equivalent of teaching someone to drive and immediately having to swerve around a herd of cows. Miraculously, both walked away unharmed, which is impressive because most Floridian highways are basically Mad Max with better signage.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is your week: monuments collapsing, crops failing, borders buckling, rockets hitting the Moon, bikes going bankrupt, and a trainee pilot learning that sometimes the runway is wherever you say it is. Humanity continues to march forward, bravely and incompetently. 

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