Why Watching The Film Airport 78 Before My First Ever Flight Was A Mistake.

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I will now deliver a public service announcement for anyone preparing to take their first flight: do not, under any circumstances, watch Airport ’78 beforehand. 

I don’t care if your mate says it’s “campy fun,” or if the DVD is only £1.50 at a charity shop, or if you think you’re emotionally robust because you once sat through an entire Ryanair safety demonstration without crying. Trust me. This film will ruin you.I made this mistake. I watched Airport ’78 the night before my maiden voyage into the skies, thinking it would be a charming retro romp featuring moustaches, polyester, and maybe a light sprinkling of aviation‑themed romance. Instead, what I got was two hours of cinematic carnage in which every single part of an aeroplane either explodes, detaches, catches fire, or becomes possessed by the spirit of a malfunctioning toaster!

The plot such as it is appears to have been written by a committee of people who have never seen an aeroplane but have strong feelings about what might go wrong with one. At one point, a character says something reassuring like, “Don’t worry, these planes are built to withstand anything,” and then the plane immediately falls apart like a flat‑pack wardrobe assembled by a man who refuses to read instructions.So naturally, when I arrived at the airport the next morning, I was in a heightened state of what experts call “complete and utter panic.” I attempted to appear calm, but my body had other ideas. For example, when the check‑in agent asked if I had any bags to check-in, I said, “Yes,” but my hands said, “No,” by flinging my suitcase onto the floor with the force of a medieval catapult.Then came security. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to walk through a metal detector while your brain is replaying scenes of catastrophic mid‑air disaster, but it’s not conducive to smooth movement. I was sweating so profusely that the security officer asked if I’d “just come from a spin class.” I told him no, I had simply watched Airport ’78. He nodded sympathetically and said, “Ah. That’ll do it.”

By the time I reached the gate, I was convinced the aircraft outside was the same one from the film. It wasn’t, obviously, because the one in the film was on fire, upside down, and missing several essential components, like wings. But my imagination had taken over. Every time I saw a maintenance worker touch the plane, I assumed they were saying something like, “Well, the left engine is held on with hope and string, but let’s give it a go.”Boarding was worse. As I stepped onto the aircraft, I found myself scanning for signs of imminent doom. Was the carpet too loose? Were the overhead bins too tight? Was the flight attendant smiling in a way that suggested she had recently seen a prophetic vision? I sat down, buckled in, and immediately began rehearsing my emergency‑landing face, which is like my normal face but with more screaming.Of course, the flight was perfectly fine. Smooth, uneventful, and entirely free of flaming debris. 

But I didn’t enjoy a single moment of it because I spent the entire journey waiting for the dramatic orchestral sting that signals something terrible is about to happen. When the seatbelt sign pinged off, I flinched so hard I nearly launched myself into the aisle.So please, learn from my mistake. If you’re about to fly for the first time, watch something calming. Something soothing. Something that does not feature airborne catastrophe. 

Something like The Great British Bake Off. Because if a cake collapses, at least you’re still on the ground.

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