Freebies. And How I've Never Had One!

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There are people who glide through life collecting freebies like they’re on some cosmic loyalty scheme! 

They walk into a shop and emerge with a complimentary tote bag, a free sample of organic hummus, and a voucher for 10% off artisanal socks. I am not one of these people. I am the opposite. If there is a freebie within a five‑mile radius, it will actively avoid me.I’ve watched friends receive free coffees simply because they “look like regulars.” I’ve been going to the same café for twelve years, and the only thing I’ve ever received for free is judgement. The barista once gave me a look so sharp it could have sliced bread, but that doesn’t count as a freebie because it didn’t come with a muffin.

Then there are the supermarket samples. You know the ones: tiny cubes of cheese handed out by a cheerful person wearing a hat shaped like dairy optimism. I approach the table, and suddenly the samples vanish. The staff pack up as if I’m the tax inspector. “Sorry, we’re finished,” they say, while handing cheese to literally everyone else, My neighbour Colin is one of those people who wins things. He once won a free holiday to Tenerife by filling out a survey about toothpaste. I filled out the same survey and received an email thanking me for my “valuable input” and offering me a 5% discount on dental floss. Colin got sun, sangria, and a pool shaped like a dolphin. I got mint‑flavoured string.Even loyalty cards betray me. 

I’ve spent years collecting points at a coffee chain that promises a free drink after ten purchases. When I finally reached ten, they changed the system to “ten purchases and a blood sample.” I asked if my previous points counted. They said, “Not in this reality.”I once attended a “Free Wine Tasting.” It turned out to be a seminar titled Why You Should Pay More for Wine. The only free thing was the headache.Meanwhile, other people seem to attract freebies without trying. My friend Sarah once received a free umbrella because she “looked like she needed one.” I looked like I needed one too  I was soaked to the bone, dripping like a broken roof  but apparently I didn’t look umbrella‑worthy.

Even online, the universe mocks me. “Sign up for our newsletter and get a free e‑book!” they say. I sign up. The e‑book is titled How to Stop Falling for Free Offers.I’ve realised there’s a hierarchy of freebies. At the top are the glamorous ones: holidays, gadgets, hampers full of cheese that doesn’t glow. At the bottom are the ones I get: pens that don’t write, stress balls that cause stress, and tote bags made from a material that feels like disappointment.

But here’s the thing: freebies aren’t really free. They cost dignity, patience, and the ability to pretend you’re thrilled about receiving a sachet of instant coffee. And maybe that’s why I never get them. The universe knows I can’t fake enthusiasm for powdered beverages.So yes, I’ve never had a freebie. Not a proper one. Not a meaningful one. Not even a free biscuit from a café that claims to “value my custom.”

But I’ve had experiences many of them humiliating that have taught me the true meaning of “free.”
Free is never free.
Free is a trap.
Free is a cosmic joke.And I, apparently, am the punchline.

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