You Can Never Be Too Careful.

There are many phrases adults like to throw around to make themselves sound wise, such as “measure twice, cut once” and “don’t microwave tinfoil unless you enjoy fireworks.” 

But the one that truly defines modern life is “You can never be too careful.” This is the motto of our age a time when everything, including breathing near a houseplant, apparently carries risk.

Take crossing the street, for example. When we were kids, the rule was simple: look both ways. Now, according to safety experts, you must look left, right, up, down, diagonally, spiritually, and into the multiverse to ensure no rogue scooter, drone, or time‑travelling cyclist is about to flatten you. You can never be too careful.

Or consider food labels. Once upon a time, ingredients lists were short and reassuring, like “milk” or “bread.” Now they read like the chemical inventory of a small laboratory. You pick up a snack and discover it contains “stabiliser E472b,” which sounds like something that should only be handled by people wearing hazmat suits. But you eat it anyway because you’re hungry and also because you’ve already eaten 472b of these in your lifetime and you’re still alive, mostly.

Then there’s home safety, which has become a full‑time occupation. You can’t simply own a toaster anymore. No  you must check it, clean it, unplug it, and store it in a fireproof bunker guarded by a moderately alert badger. The safety leaflet warns you not to insert forks, knives, fingers, or “any object not specifically designed for insertion.” This raises troubling questions about what is specifically designed for insertion, but you don’t ask, because you can never be too careful.

Let’s talk about DIY, an activity that exists solely to remind you that you are not qualified to operate tools more complex than a spoon. You watch one instructional video and suddenly believe you can rewire the house. Five minutes later, the lights flicker, the smoke alarm screams, and your neighbour is shouting through the wall, “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW?” You respond confidently, “Nothing!” while hiding the melted screwdriver behind your back. You can never be too careful, especially when pretending you know what you’re doing.

And then there’s technology, which has reached a level of complexity that requires a PhD in both engineering and interpretive dance. Every device now has a warning label that begins with “IMPORTANT: FAILURE TO FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS MAY RESULT IN…” followed by a list of consequences ranging from mild inconvenience to the collapse of civilisation. You just wanted to update your phone, but now you’re terrified that pressing the wrong button will launch a satellite or delete Belgium.

Even social interactions have become a minefield. You can’t simply greet someone anymore. You must assess whether they prefer a handshake, a fist bump, a wave, a nod, or the traditional British greeting of pretending you didn’t see them and walking briskly in the opposite direction. You can never be too careful, especially with people who look like they might want to talk about their weekend.

But the ultimate example the one that proves humanity has collectively lost its mind  is the humble ladder. According to safety guidelines, you must never climb a ladder unless it is stable, supported, supervised, inspected, certified, blessed by a priest, and accompanied by a trained spotter named Keith. Even then, you must maintain three points of contact at all times, which is difficult because most humans only have four limbs and one of them is usually holding a cup of tea.

There are many phrases adults like to throw around to make themselves sound wise, such as “measure twice, cut once” and “don’t microwave tinfoil unless you enjoy fireworks.” But the one that truly defines modern life is “You can never be too careful.” This is the motto of our age — a time when everything, including breathing near a houseplant, apparently carries risk.

Take crossing the street, for example. When we were kids, the rule was simple: look both ways. Now, according to safety experts, you must look left, right, up, down, diagonally, spiritually, and into the multiverse to ensure no rogue scooter, drone, or time‑travelling cyclist is about to flatten you. You can never be too careful.

Or consider food labels. Once upon a time, ingredients lists were short and reassuring, like “milk” or “bread.” Now they read like the chemical inventory of a small laboratory. You pick up a snack and discover it contains “stabiliser E472b,” which sounds like something that should only be handled by people wearing hazmat suits. But you eat it anyway because you’re hungry and also because you’ve already eaten 472b of these in your lifetime and you’re still alive, mostly.

Then there’s home safety, which has become a full‑time occupation. You can’t simply own a toaster anymore. No — you must check it, clean it, unplug it, and store it in a fireproof bunker guarded by a moderately alert badger. The safety leaflet warns you not to insert forks, knives, fingers, or “any object not specifically designed for insertion.” This raises troubling questions about what is specifically designed for insertion, but you don’t ask, because you can never be too careful.

Let’s talk about DIY, an activity that exists solely to remind you that you are not qualified to operate tools more complex than a spoon. You watch one instructional video and suddenly believe you can rewire the house. Five minutes later, the lights flicker, the smoke alarm screams, and your neighbour is shouting through the wall, “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW?” You respond confidently, “Nothing!” while hiding the melted screwdriver behind your back. You can never be too careful, especially when pretending you know what you’re doing.

And then there’s technology, which has reached a level of complexity that requires a PhD in both engineering and interpretive dance. Every device now has a warning label that begins with “IMPORTANT: FAILURE TO FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS MAY RESULT IN…” followed by a list of consequences ranging from mild inconvenience to the collapse of civilisation. You just wanted to update your phone, but now you’re terrified that pressing the wrong button will launch a satellite or delete Belgium.

Even social interactions have become a minefield. You can’t simply greet someone anymore. You must assess whether they prefer a handshake, a fist bump, a wave, a nod, or the traditional British greeting of pretending you didn’t see them and walking briskly in the opposite direction. You can never be too careful, especially with people who look like they might want to talk about their weekend.

But the ultimate example — the one that proves humanity has collectively lost its mind — is the humble ladder. According to safety guidelines, you must never climb a ladder unless it is stable, supported, supervised, inspected, certified, blessed by a priest, and accompanied by a trained spotter named Keith. Even then, you must maintain three points of contact at all times, which is difficult because most humans only have four limbs and one of them is usually holding a cup of tea.

And yet, despite all this, we still manage to injure ourselves doing the simplest things, like standing up too quickly or thinking about exercise. Which proves the real truth: you can never be too careful, but you can definitely be too human.