The Weekly Weather Forecast. What's Heading Towards A Nation That Will Be Melting, Moaning And Making Bad Choices.

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Friday (22 May)

The sun returns with the subtlety of a tax audit. Office workers attempt al fresco lunches, only to discover that 27°C is “too hot” for people whose blood is 40% tea.



Saturday (23 May)

Britain hits 29°C, triggering the annual national debate: “Is this lovely?” versus “Is this how we die?” Supermarkets run out of ice, fans, and the will to live.



Sunday (24 May)

 30°C. Thirty. Degrees. The country collectively melts into a beige puddle of suncream, regret, and people insisting “it’s not as hot as Spain” while visibly evaporating.



Monday (25 May)

Bank Holiday Monday arrives with the temperature of a broken oven. Families attempt barbecues, only to discover that sausages now cook themselves if left on a garden table.



Tuesday (26 May)

 A “cooler” 28°C, meaning only half the nation complains. The other half is too busy Googling “is sweating this much normal” and “can you get sunstroke indoors.”



Wednesday (27 May)

A merciful dip to 24°C. Britain celebrates by pretending this is “perfect weather” while quietly nursing heat-induced personality changes.


Thursday (28 May)

The weather stabilises at “pleasant but suspicious.” The nation waits nervously for the inevitable return of drizzle, like a toxic ex who always texts at 2am.

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WEEKLY NATIONAL MOOD INDEX.

- Optimism: Peaks Friday, collapses Sunday, flatlines Monday.  
- Temperature: Starts “ooh lovely” and ends “I’m sleeping in the fridge.”  
- Rain: Nowhere to be seen, presumably on strike.  
- Morale: Improves only when someone says, “At least it’s good for the garden,” and everyone pretends that helps.

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