The Weekly News Review. A Weekly Look at the Headlines over the Last Week.: As A Nation Becomes Confused, Anxious And Queing To Buy A Watch (As Narrated By Jim Corbridge who has once again been left unattended near a news agents shop.)

This past week in the UK has been what experts call “a full circus,” and by experts I mean me, a man who once tried to fix a toaster using only optimism and a spoon.

 Let’s begin with the political story that has caused Britain to spit out its tea in unison: Andy Burnham is apparently eyeing a return to Westminster, with an MP stepping aside to give him a possible route back. This is the political equivalent of someone saying, “I’m not saying you should take my seat, but I’ve already warmed it for you and left a biscuit on the desk.”  

Meanwhile, in the world of retail chaos, Swatch released a new watch and Britain responded in the only way it knows how: by forming a queue so long it could be seen from space. People camped outside stores for hours, possibly days, in scenes reminiscent of Black Friday but with more polite shivering. Eventually Swatch shut stores entirely, presumably because staff were tired of explaining that no, you cannot buy 14 watches “just in case.”

In science news  yes, Britain still does science between scandals  researchers in Thailand identified a giant new dinosaur, which is exciting because dinosaurs are the only thing everyone can agree on. The creature is described as enormous, ancient, and probably terrible at queueing, which means it would not have survived long in modern Britain. Scientists say it lived 150 million years ago, which is roughly the same time HS2 was first proposed.

Speaking of which, the HS2 rail project has once again made headlines, this time because a report says its failings were caused by an over‑focus on high‑speed ambitions and political pressure. This is surprising to absolutely nobody. HS2 has become the infrastructural equivalent of assembling IKEA furniture: you start with enthusiasm, end with missing pieces, and at some point someone cries. The report essentially says, “We tried to build a bullet train but accidentally created a very expensive metaphor.”

Across the Atlantic, Elon Musk lost his court battle with OpenAI after a jury found he waited too long to sue. This is a legal concept known as “You snooze, you lose,” which is also how I once missed out on a free doughnut at a conference. Musk, who is normally the one launching things into space, has now been launched out of a courtroom instead. Lawyers everywhere nodded sagely and said, “Deadlines matter,” while secretly Googling how to turn this into a TED Talk.

And finally, the UK has agreed a £3.7bn trade deal with six Gulf states, which officials say will boost business, strengthen ties, and presumably involve a lot of men in suits shaking hands while looking slightly sunburned. Trade deals are like assembling a barbecue: everyone pretends to understand what’s happening, but mostly they’re just hoping it doesn’t collapse when someone puts weight on it.

So that’s your week: a mayor possibly returning to Parliament, a watch causing national hysteria, a dinosaur emerging from prehistory, a rail project collapsing under its own ambition, a tech billionaire losing a courtroom duel, and Britain signing a deal worth more than the GDP of several small planets.

Frankly, it’s been exhausting. I need a nap, a biscuit, and possibly a dinosaur‑themed watch.