The Weekly News Review. A Weekly Look at the Headlines over the Last Week. The week the news looked at Britain, shrugged, and said: “Good luck, champ.”

Let’s begin at Dover, where France has graciously agreed to suspend extra EU border checks after the bank holiday queues stretched so far that several motorists reportedly aged a full decade while waiting. 

This is the kind of diplomatic breakthrough that happens only when a nation collectively screams, “PLEASE LET US GO HOME.” French officials said the suspension was temporary, which in diplomatic terms means: “We’ll bring them back the moment you start feeling relaxed.” Britain celebrated by immediately forming another queue, just out of habit.

Meanwhile, the UK has experienced the hottest May day on record, with temperatures passing 34°C, which is not so much “weather” as “a threat.” British people, who normally panic when the mercury hits 22, were seen melting into park benches like abandoned ice lollies. Meteorologists described the heat as “unusual,” which is a polite scientific way of saying, “We’re all doomed.” Supermarkets sold out of fans, ice, and anything that could be repurposed as a hat. The nation coped by complaining loudly, which is our most renewable energy source.

Speaking of things overheating, airlines have reported a rise in portable charger problems on flights, which is concerning because nothing says “relaxing holiday” like wondering whether your power bank is about to reenact a small volcanic eruption at 30,000 feet. Aviation experts advise passengers to store chargers safely, avoid cheap knock‑offs, and absolutely do not wedge them under a seat next to a packet of crisps and hope for the best. This advice will be ignored by at least 70% of travellers, who will continue to treat lithium batteries like decorative keyrings.

In political news  and I use the term “political” loosely Peter Murrell, former SNP chief executive, has admitted to embezzling £400,000, which is a lot of money unless you’re FIFA, in which case it’s “a modest administrative oversight.” Murrell is now in custody, and the SNP is attempting to distance itself so quickly that physicists are studying the party for evidence of faster‑than‑light movement. Scottish politics remains the only soap opera where the plot twists are both unbelievable and somehow inevitable.

But let’s move to something wholesome: cheese rolling. Yes, Tom Kopke, a German YouTuber, has won the Gloucestershire cheese‑rolling championship for the third year in a row, proving once again that Britain’s most enduring sporting tradition is hurling dairy products down a hill and chasing them like caffeinated goats. Kopke now holds the title of “Cheese King,” which is not a job you can put on LinkedIn without raising questions. The event remains a proud symbol of British culture: dangerous, pointless, and absolutely magnificent.

In space news because Earth is clearly not working out  NASA has unveiled its next steps toward building a permanent Moon base. This is exciting, because humanity has finally decided to colonise a place with no weather, no traffic, and no portable charger fires. NASA says the base will support long‑term exploration, scientific research, and, presumably, the first lunar argument about whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher. Britain will contribute by sending a spanner and a strongly worded letter.

Finally, the typical UK energy bill is set to rise by £221 a year from July, due to the ongoing Iran war affecting global markets. This is excellent news for anyone who enjoys paying more money for the same amount of electricity, which is to say: absolutely no one. Energy companies insist the rise is unavoidable, which is corporate language for “We’re doing it anyway.” Households are preparing by turning off lights, unplugging appliances, and considering whether candles count as central heating.

So that’s the week: France gave us a break, the sun tried to kill us, chargers tried to explode, Scottish politics imploded, cheese achieved terminal velocity, NASA planned a lunar Airbnb, and energy bills continued their ascent into the stratosphere.