Everything You Need To Know About Theater.

Let me begin by saying that theatre is one of humanity’s oldest art forms, dating back to ancient Greece, when people gathered in giant stone amphitheatres to watch men in masks shout things like “ALAS!” and “WOE!” and “WHY IS MY TOGA ON FIRE?” This was considered entertainment, largely because Netflix had not yet been invented.

Modern theatre, however, is a very different beast. For one thing, it now involves actors, a species of human that survives entirely on applause, flat whites, and the emotional validation of strangers. If you have ever met an actor, you will know this is true because within 14 seconds they will tell you about a role they once played in a fringe production of Macbeth that took place inside a disused car park and involved interpretive dance, a fog machine, and at least one person dressed as a metaphor.

Theatre also involves directors, whose job is to take a perfectly normal script and turn it into something that makes the audience whisper, “Is this supposed to be happening?” Directors love phrases like “Let’s explore that” and “What if Hamlet were a giant moth?” They also enjoy making actors do exercises such as “walk around the room as your inner truth,” which is why rehearsals often resemble a wildlife documentary narrated by David Attenborough after three espressos.

Then there are stage managers, who are the only people in the building who know what is going on. They are calm, organised, and capable of fixing anything with gaffer tape. If the world ever ends, the only survivors will be cockroaches and stage managers, and the stage managers will immediately start calling cues.

But the most important part of theatre is the audience, a group of people who have paid actual money to sit in the dark and pretend they understand symbolism. Audiences come in several varieties:

1. The Laugher — laughs at everything, including lines that are not jokes, scene changes, and the interval announcement.  

2. The Sleeper — falls asleep within eight minutes and wakes only to applaud. 

 

3. The Programme Reader — spends the entire show reading the cast bios, loudly whispering things like “Oh look, he trained at RADA.”  

4. The School Group — identifiable by the sound of 40 packets of crisps being opened simultaneously.

Let’s talk about musicals, which are what happens when someone decides that normal speech is not dramatic enough and that the only solution is to burst into song. In musicals, characters express their deepest feelings through power ballads, jazz hands, and occasionally tap dancing. This is completely normal in the theatre world, even though in real life if someone started singing their emotions at you, you would immediately call for help.

Musicals also feature the 11 o’clock number, which is a big emotional song performed near the end of the show, usually by someone who has been through a lot, such as heartbreak, personal growth, or surviving Act One. The purpose of this song is to make the audience cry, cheer, or at least feel guilty for not having achieved anything significant in their own lives.

Another essential part of theatre is the set, which can range from a lavish rotating palace to a single chair that “represents society.” Directors love sets like this because they can say things like “The emptiness is intentional,” which is theatre-speak for “We ran out of budget.”

Finally, we must address the curtain call, the moment when the actors return to the stage to bow while the audience claps politely and tries to locate their coats. Actors take this very seriously. Some bow modestly. Some bow dramatically. Some bow as if they are receiving an Olympic medal for Outstanding Achievement in Pretending to Be a Tree.

So there you have it: everything you need to know about theatre. It is chaotic, emotional, confusing, magical, and occasionally involves someone shouting “PROJECT!” at you for no reason. But when it works, it is the closest thing we have to collective joy  a room full of strangers agreeing, just for a moment, to believe in the impossible.