Becoming A Messiah. Is it For You!?

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Let’s be honest: at some point in your life probably while stuck in traffic, or after assembling flat‑pack furniture you’ve thought, “I could run this whole planet better than whoever’s currently in charge.” 

This is the first sign that you may be messiah material. The second sign is when you start shouting instructions at inanimate objects, like your toaster, and expecting obedience.

But before you rush off to gather disciples, you should know that becoming a messiah is not all sandals and inspirational speeches. It’s a demanding career path, like being a parent, or a plumber, or anyone who has ever attempted to cancel a gym membership.

First, you need a calling. Traditional messiahs get theirs from burning bushes, booming voices, or mysterious comets. Modern messiahs, however, tend to receive their calling via email, usually from someone named “Gavin” who wants to discuss your “personal brand.” This is how you know civilisation has peaked.

Once you’ve accepted your destiny, you must choose your signature miracle. This is crucial. You can’t just wander around saying wise things; people expect results. Water into wine is already taken, and frankly, overdone. You need something fresh. Something relatable. Something that speaks to the modern consumer.

For example:

- Turning Wi‑Fi bars into full signal  
- Making a printer work on the first try  
- Getting a toddler to put on shoes without negotiations that resemble Cold War diplomacy  

Perform any of these and you’ll have followers faster than you can say “influencer partnership opportunity.”

Next comes the wardrobe. Classic messiahs favour robes, which are comfortable but impractical in high winds and escalators. You could modernise with a hoodie, but then you risk looking like a tech founder, and people will assume your teachings involve blockchain. Choose wisely.

Then there’s the matter of disciples. These are your loyal companions who will spread your message, support your mission, and occasionally misunderstand everything you say in ways that will haunt historians for centuries. Recruiting disciples is easy: just promise snacks. Humans will follow anyone for snacks. This is how office meetings work.

But beware: disciples ask questions. Lots of questions. Questions like:

- “Do we get dental?”  
- “Is this a cult?”  
- “What’s the dress code?”  

You must answer confidently, even if you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing. This is the essence of leadership, and also how most home DIY projects begin.

Now, let’s talk teachings. Every messiah needs a core message! something profound, memorable, and ideally short enough to fit on a tote bag. For example:

- “Be kind.”  
- “Share snacks.”  
- “Stop replying ‘per my last email’ unless you want war.”  

Whatever your message, deliver it with conviction. People love conviction. It distracts them from the fact that you’re making it up as you go along.

Finally, you must prepare for the public reaction. Some will praise you. Some will doubt you. Some will ask if you can fix their phone. This is normal. Being a messiah is like being a customer‑service representative for the entire human race, except with fewer breaks and more parables.

So is becoming a messiah for you? Only you can decide. Do you feel called to greatness? Do you possess wisdom, charisma, and the ability to look serene while explaining something for the fifteenth time? Do you enjoy long walks, public speaking, and the constant risk of being misquoted on social media?

If so, congratulations. You may be ready.

If not, don’t worry. You can still live a meaningful life without founding a religion. You can volunteer. You can recycle. You can even assemble flat‑pack furniture without swearing, which frankly would qualify as a miracle anyway.

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