The Weekly News Review. A Weekly Look at the Headlines over the Last Week. It’s just me, baffled by the week’s headlines.

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Well, folks, it’s been another week in the news, and by “news” I mean “a series of events that strongly suggest the universe is being run by a committee of over‑caffeinated badgers!” 

Let’s begin with the most important development in global economics: the rising value of Pokémon cards has sparked a smash‑and‑grab crime spree. Yes. Pokémon cards. The things we used to shove into lunchboxes and accidentally wash in the pocket of our jeans are now apparently worth enough money to inspire full‑scale criminal operations. Somewhere, a hardened thief is sprinting down a high street clutching a holographic Charizard while shouting, “THIS IS FOR MY RETIREMENT PLAN!”


Meanwhile, in Westminster, Keir Starmer says it’s “staggering” he wasn’t told that Peter Mandelson failed security vetting, which is the political equivalent of discovering your house has been on fire for three days and nobody mentioned it because they “didn’t want to bother you.” I’m not taking sides  I’m just saying that if someone fails a security check, maybe that’s the sort of thing you mention before handing them a diplomatic passport and a seat on a plane.

But politics wasn’t done with us yet. Oh no. Because this week we also met Samantha Niblett, a Labour MP campaigning for lifelong sex education who felt compelled to clarify that she is far too busy to be, quote, “at it like rabbits all the time.” This is a sentence that no human being should ever have to say in public, let alone in a professional capacity. Somewhere, a communications adviser is lying face‑down on a desk whispering, “Why couldn’t she have just said ‘no comment’?”

Across the Atlantic, market analysts have noticed unusual trades happening just before Donald Trump’s major foreign policy announcements, which is the financial world’s way of saying, “Huh, that’s weird,” while frantically checking spreadsheets and sweating through their shirts. I’m not making any claims  I’m just imagining a stockbroker staring at a graph that looks like a roller coaster and muttering, “This is fine. Everything is fine. I definitely won’t be testifying before a committee.”

Back home, a new report has recommended making PE a core subject in schools and removing unnecessary ‘no ball games’ signs, which is fantastic news for children and terrible news for anyone whose car is parked near a playground. I fully support kids getting more exercise, but I also know that the average British 10‑year‑old can kick a football with the force and accuracy of a medieval siege weapon.

And speaking of children, the government has announced that phones will be banned in schools by law, which means teachers across England are currently experiencing a level of joy normally reserved for lottery winners and people who discover an extra crisp at the bottom of the bag. Teenagers, meanwhile, are reacting as though they’ve been told the sun will no longer rise. “HOW WILL WE SURVIVE?” they cry, while adults everywhere respond, “Books. You’ll survive with books.”

In economic news  and I use the word “news” loosely  the UK unemployment rate has fallen to 4.9%, which is great, except that inflation has risen to 3.3%, which is less great. It’s like the economy is trying to cheer us up with one hand while stealing our biscuits with the other. “Good news! More people are working!” it says, while quietly adding, “Bad news! Everything costs slightly more than it did five minutes ago!”

So to recap: Pokémon cards are now valuable enough to inspire crime, politicians are shocked by things they weren’t told, MPs are clarifying their personal habits in ways nobody requested, financial markets are behaving like a telenovela, PE teachers are about to become the most powerful people in Britain, teenagers are preparing for life without TikTok in maths class, and the economy is doing that thing where it smiles at you while kicking you in the shins.

Frankly, if next week’s headlines include “Nationwide Shortage of Sanity” or “Government Announces Mandatory Nap Time for Adults,” I will not be surprised!


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