The Weekly News Review. A weekly look at The Last Seven days Headlines As we continue on our journey hurtling through the Universe on our little rock.

Ladies and gentlemen, gather round, because the last seven days of news have been so spectacularly unhinged that I’m starting to suspect the universe is being run by a committee of hyperactive meerkats. 

Let’s begin with the one item I must treat like a museum artefact labelled “Do Not Make Jokes About This”: The US President Donald Trump removed Attorney General Pam Bondi from her post. This is a factual sentence. It contains facts. I am placing it gently on the table and backing away from it like it’s a live ferret in a tutu. There it is. Moving on....

Because the rest of the week? Oh, the rest of the week was a buffet of pure, unfiltered nonsense.

First up: marmalade is being rebranded in a post‑Brexit food deal, because apparently the nation has run out of actual problems! Yes, marmalade the breakfast spread of retired colonels and Paddington Bear is getting a makeover. I assume the new branding will involve phrases like “sovereignty,” “heritage,” and “contains at least 40% citrus-based patriotism.” Somewhere, a focus group is arguing passionately about whether the jar should feature a Union Jack, a lion, or a lion eating a Union Jack.

Meanwhile, the government has announced that the state pension age is rising to 67, which is excellent news for anyone who has ever thought, “You know what I’d love? Two more years of spreadsheets.” At this rate, by 2050 the pension age will be 93, and the official retirement gift will be a mobility scooter and a laminated apology. The message is clear: keep working until you physically merge with your office chair.

In technology news, Apple has turned 50, which means the company is now old enough to complain about young people, reminisce about the days when phones had buttons, and insist that music sounds better on vinyl. Apple celebrated the milestone by releasing a commemorative product that looks exactly like the previous product but costs slightly more and comes in a new colour called “Space Elderly.” Somewhere, a man in a turtleneck is explaining that this is innovation.

Back in the UK, Storm Dave has battered the country, which is frankly rude. If you’re going to name a storm “Dave,” it should show up late, apologise awkwardly, and bring a multipack of crisps. Instead, this Dave arrived with 70mph winds and the attitude of a man who’s just been told the pub kitchen has stopped serving chips. Trees fell, bins flew, and at least one person in Hull was heard shouting, “I blame the government,” even though meteorology is famously not a ministerial portfolio.

In retail drama, a Waitrose worker in Clapham Junction lost his job after stopping someone from stealing Easter eggs, proving once again that Britain is a land of majestic contradictions. On the one hand, we celebrate heroism. On the other, we apparently punish it if it involves chocolate. The thief reportedly attempted to flee with enough Mini Eggs to supply a small village, and the worker intervened like a supermarket Batman. And what was his reward? A P45 and, presumably, a lifetime discount on moral indignation.

Meanwhile, in space  because of course space got involved this week  the Artemis II crew travelled further from Earth than any humans in history. This is astonishing. This is inspiring. This is also the point at which I would personally begin screaming. NASA described the mission as “a major milestone,” which is NASA‑speak for “we did something incredibly dangerous and nobody died, so please clap.” The astronauts orbited so far out that Earth looked like a marble, which is beautiful unless you’re the sort of person who gets nervous on escalators.

And finally, in the latest blow to the nation’s collective sanity, Royal Mail has increased the price of a first‑class stamp to £1.80. One pound eighty. For a stamp. At this point, sending a letter is less a form of communication and more a luxury hobby for aristocrats. Soon we’ll be saying things like, “Oh, you posted a birthday card? How extravagant. I simply shouted mine across the street.” Royal Mail insists the price rise is necessary, which is corporate code for “we don’t want to talk about it, please stop asking.”

So there you have it: a week in which marmalade got a rebrand, storms got personal names, pension ages crept upward like a horror‑movie villain, and humanity flung itself further into space while simultaneously failing to protect Easter eggs in a Waitrose.