The Weekly News Review. This Week's Review written with maximum bewilderment, caffeine‑energy, and the trademark style of “the world has gone mad and I’m just reporting from inside the washing machine.”

Ladies and gentlemen, gather round, because the news this week has been behaving like it’s on a strict diet of Haribo, panic, and whatever fumes leak out of the Houses of Parliament after 6pm.

It’s been chaotic, confusing, and occasionally inspiring, in the same way that watching a toddler attempt to assemble flat‑pack furniture is inspiring. You don’t know how it’s happening, but you can’t look away.

Let’s begin with Westminster, where the Speaker of the House has been urged to stop Keir Starmer from avoiding MPs’ questions. This is a bold request, because avoiding questions is basically the national sport of British politics. If politicians ever answered questions directly, the shock would cause the BBC’s political editor to faint clean off his swivel chair. Apparently Starmer has developed a technique known as “strategic evasion,” which is similar to how you dodge someone in Tesco when you don’t want to talk about their holiday photos. MPs are furious, shouting things like “Answer the question!” and “This is unacceptable!” which is rich coming from people who have spent decades perfecting the art of answering a question with a completely different question, a Latin phrase, or a noise that sounds like a kettle boiling.

Meanwhile, parents of young children have been told that screen time for under‑fives should be limited to one hour a day. This advice was presumably written by someone who has never met an actual child. Telling a toddler they can only have one hour of screen time is like telling a seagull it can only steal one chip. Toddlers do not negotiate. Toddlers do not compromise. Toddlers will stage a coup. The experts say too much screen time can affect development, which is true, but so can sleep deprivation, and that’s what parents will experience when they attempt to enforce this rule. If you want to see true chaos, try turning off Bluey mid‑episode. You will witness a meltdown so powerful it could be measured on the Richter scale.

In global news, countries are responding to rising oil prices with a mix of fuel rations, free buses, and what I assume will eventually escalate to “mandatory piggyback commuting.” Some nations are encouraging cycling, which is great unless you live somewhere with hills, weather, or motorists. Others are offering free public transport, which is lovely until everyone realises the bus is now full, late, and smells faintly of despair. Meanwhile, oil companies are reporting record profits, which is surprising to absolutely nobody except maybe the people who still believe in the concept of “fairness.”

But the most dramatic story of the week comes from Europe, where thieves have stolen more than 400,000 KitKats roughly 12 tons of chocolate from a truck. This is not a crime; this is a lifestyle choice. Police say the thieves were “highly organised,” which makes sense because you don’t accidentally steal 12 tons of chocolate. That requires planning, logistics, and possibly a forklift. Somewhere right now, a criminal mastermind is sitting in a warehouse surrounded by KitKats, laughing like a Bond villain and taking a break every two hours.

In space news  yes, space news  Artemis II has blasted off on a historic mission, proving once again that NASA is the only organisation capable of launching something on time. The mission is a huge step for humanity, and also a huge step for people who enjoy watching rockets go “WHOOSH” at speeds that make your face peel off. The astronauts are bravely venturing into the unknown, while the rest of us bravely venture into the kitchen to see if we have any snacks left.

Back on Earth, the government has announced new laws to make it easier to cancel subscriptions and get refunds, which is excellent news for anyone who has ever tried to cancel a gym membership. Gyms do not let you leave. Gyms treat cancellation requests like personal betrayal. You can walk in with a doctor’s note, a solicitor, and a priest, and they will still say, “Are you sure you don’t want to try our new Pilates‑boxing‑yoga fusion class?” These new laws might finally allow people to escape the clutches of subscriptions they forgot they had, like that streaming service you signed up for in 2021 to watch one documentary about otters.

And finally, Ofcom reports that fewer UK adults are posting on social media. This is probably because everyone is exhausted. Social media used to be fun  photos of brunch, dogs wearing hats, that sort of thing. Now it’s a 24‑hour shouting arena where everyone is angry about everything, including things they didn’t know existed five minutes ago. People are quietly backing away, like someone leaving a party where the host has just announced a group karaoke session.

So that’s your week: evasive politicians, screen‑time warfare, chocolate heists, space triumphs, subscription liberation, and a nation slowly logging off. In other words  perfectly normal!