The Weekly News Review. A round -up of the last week's Shanigans on Planet Earth and Beyond.

Folks, it has been an absolutely classic week in the news — the kind of week where you look at the headlines and think, “Ah. So reality has once again been left unattended.”

Let’s begin with the EU’s new fingerprint‑and‑photo travel rules, which have officially come into force. This means that if you want to enter the EU, you will now be required to provide fingerprints, a photo, and possibly a retinal scan, a DNA sample, and your childhood diary. The idea is to streamline travel, which is a phrase that here means “make the queue longer, but in a more organised way.”  

Airports are already warning travelers to arrive early ideally sometime last Tuesday! so they can get through the new system before their flight leaves in 2029. On the bright side, once you’re in the EU, you can enjoy the same delightful experience on your way out. It’s like a theme park ride, except instead of fun, you get bureaucracy.

Meanwhile, in space where things are somehow less complicated  the Artemis II astronauts returned to Earth after a “textbook touchdown.” This is NASA’s way of saying, “We stuck the landing and nothing exploded.” The astronauts spent ten days orbiting the Moon, performing scientific tasks, testing equipment, and presumably arguing over who ate the last freeze‑dried macaroni.  

Their capsule splashed down exactly where it was supposed to, which is impressive because if I throw a sock toward a laundry basket from three feet away, it lands in another time zone. NASA calls the mission a major step toward returning humans to the lunar surface, which is great news for anyone who has ever looked at the Moon and thought, “That thing needs more footprints.”

Back on Earth  and significantly less peaceful  researchers in Uganda report that chimpanzees are locked in a vicious ‘civil war.’ Yes. Chimpanzees. Having a civil war. Apparently two groups have been clashing for territory, resources, and possibly the last banana.  

Scientists say the conflict has been escalating for years, which raises the question: how did we not notice? If squirrels started forming battalions in Hyde Park, I feel like someone would mention it. But chimpanzees are extremely intelligent, social, and capable of complex strategy, which means they are now officially more organized than most group projects.

In Europe Péter Magyar’s party won a landslide victory in Hungary’s election,. I will not be making jokes about politicians  that is above my comedic pay grade  but I will say that any election described as a “landslide” makes me picture voters clinging to trees while ballot boxes surf past them.

Elsewhere, the Pope stated he will continue speaking out against war, even after recent criticism. Again, no jokes about religious leaders  but I can safely observe that “continuing to speak out against war” is one of the least controversial stances a human being can take. It’s right up there with “puppies are nice” and “please don’t drop pianos on people.”

In media news, the BBC announced plans to cut nearly one in ten staff to save £500 million. This is the kind of number that makes you wonder if the BBC has been heating Broadcasting House with solid gold logs. The organization says it needs to modernize, which is corporate language for “everyone will now be doing three jobs while sitting on a folding chair.”  

I fully expect future BBC programming to include shows like Strictly Come Budgeting and The Great British Cutback, where contestants compete to see who can produce a primetime drama using only a torch and a sock puppet.

And finally, in a story that will alarm every pet owner, a UK minister is considering banning over‑the‑counter flea treatments. This means that if your cat brings home a flea circus, you may soon need a prescription to evict them. I assume this will involve a vet examining your pet, nodding gravely, and saying, “Yes, this is definitely a flea. That’ll be £87.”

So to summarize: travel now requires biometric everything, astronauts are doing better landings than most of us manage in our kitchens, chimpanzees are reenacting Game of Thrones, elections are happening, the Pope is continuing to oppose war, the BBC is tightening its belt to the last notch, and your dog may soon need a medical consultation to stop itching.

In other words: a perfectly normal week on planet Earth.