How to Act In Public When You're Bored Stiff!

Let’s be honest: at some point in your life, you will find yourself trapped in a meeting, seminar, workshop, symposium, briefing, breakout session, or “informal networking opportunity” that you would rather replace with literally any other experience, including but not limited to: dental surgery, assembling flat‑pack furniture, or being chased by a goose with unresolved anger issues!

This is because society has decided that adults must occasionally gather in rooms to “align on priorities,” which is corporate for “talk in circles until someone cries or the biscuits run out.”

But fear not. I, a seasoned veteran of meetings so boring they could be used as a non‑lethal crowd‑control device, am here to guide you through the delicate art of appearing engaged while your soul quietly climbs out of your body and hitchhikes to freedom.

The Nod: Your First Line of Defence

The Nod is the universal signal for “I am listening” even when you are, in fact, thinking about:

- What you’ll have for dinner  

- Whether pigeons have regional accents  

- That one embarrassing thing you said in 2009  

The key is rhythm. Too slow and you look sedated. Too fast and you look like you’ve just discovered espresso for the first time. Aim for a gentle, thoughtful bob, as if you’re absorbing deep wisdom, not calculating how long it would take to tunnel out through the floor tiles.

The Thoughtful Chin Stroke.

This move says, “I am processing complex information,” even if the only thing you’re processing is the fact that the presenter has used the word “synergy” seven times and you’re starting to lose the will to live.

Important: do not over‑stroke. Excessive chin rubbing makes you look like a detective in a low‑budget crime drama who has just realised the murderer is, in fact, himself.

The Strategic Note-Taking Gambit

You don’t need to write anything meaningful. You just need to look like you’re writing something meaningful.

Acceptable fake notes include:

- “Remember to buy bin bags”  

- “Why does Steve breathe so loudly”  

- “If I scream, will anyone join in”  

Occasionally underline something. Underlining is the international symbol for “I am a serious person doing serious things.”

The Deep, Concerned Lean Forward.

This is a power move. It says: “I am invested. I am present. I am absolutely not imagining myself on a beach somewhere drinking something with a tiny umbrella in it.”

Lean forward too far, however, and you risk falling off your chair, which is a bold statement but not the one you want to make.

The Emergency Escape to the Loo.

This is the adult equivalent of pulling the fire alarm.

You may only use this manoeuvre sparingly, or you will become known as That Person With the Troubling Bladder. But deployed correctly, it buys you a solid three minutes of freedom, plus the chance to stare at yourself in the mirror and whisper, “You can do this,” like an athlete preparing for the 100‑metre sprint.

The “I’m Checking Something Important” Phone Glance.

This is dangerous territory. One wrong move and you look like a teenager at a family dinner.

The trick is to glance at your phone with the same expression you’d use if you’d just received a message saying, “URGENT: The King needs your help.” Then put it away immediately, as if you are sacrificing your own convenience for the good of the group.

This earns you Respect Points, which are not real but feel nice.

The Final Survival Strategy: Accept Your Fate.

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the meeting will continue. And continue. And continue. It will outlive empires. Civilisations will rise and fall while someone explains a spreadsheet no one asked for.

In these moments, you must embrace the ancient wisdom of generations before you:

“Smile politely and wait for biscuits.”

Because at the end of the day, that’s all any of us are really doing pretending to be functional adults while quietly hoping someone brought the good chocolate digestives.