The Weekly Weather Forecast. Because spring is a concept, not a promise.

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Friday 28 March – “Biblical, But Petty”
Expect showers that arrive sideways, upwards, and occasionally from beneath.  
The Met Office will describe conditions as “unsettled”, which is British for “bring a snorkel”.  
Scotland gets wind strong enough to rearrange your skeleton.



Saturday 29 March – “The Nation Attempts Optimism”
A dry morning will trick millions into leaving the house without waterproofs.  
By lunchtime, the heavens will open with the enthusiasm of a toddler spilling Ribena.  
Wales will experience “light drizzle”, meaning rain so dense it counts as a physical object.



Sunday 30 March – “Classic British Spring: Wet Misery With Daffodils”
Grey skies everywhere except Cornwall, which will smugly enjoy a brief sunny interval and immediately post about it on Instagram.  
Temperatures remain at a stubborn “not warm, not cold, just irritating”.




Monday 31 March – “Nature Rolls Its Eyes”
A cold snap arrives out of nowhere, like a plot twist in a soap opera.  
Frost in the morning, rain in the afternoon, and a weird warm patch at 3pm that feels like the weather accidentally sat on the thermostat.




Tuesday 1 April – “April Fools, You Thought It Was Spring”
The weather will spend the entire day pranking the nation:  
- Sunshine when you’re indoors  
- Rain when you’re outdoors  
- Hail when you’ve just bought ice cream  
Northern Ireland gets fog so thick it qualifies as a new landmass.



Wednesday 2 April – “The UK Returns to Its Default Setting”
Cloud.  
Just cloud.  
A big, grey duvet of atmospheric disappointment smothering the entire country.  
Temperatures settle at “mild, but in a depressing way”.



Thursday 3 April – “Hope Is Cancelled”
A brief sunny spell will appear around 10:14am, causing nationwide panic as people squint suspiciously at the sky. This will be swiftly replaced by rain so aggressive it feels personal.  
Temperatures will hover around “coat on, coat off, coat on again, oh for God’s sake”.




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