That Sporting Week. The Weekly Sports Review. With escalating chaos, unnecessary metaphors, and the general sense that the sporting world has collectively misplaced its sanity again.

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Ladies and gentlemen, strap yourselves in, because the last seven days in sport have been so chaotic that even the Premier League VAR system would struggle to make sense of it. And that’s saying something, because VAR once spent four minutes deciding whether a player’s armpit was offside.




Team GB Win Three Golds in 28 Minutes, Scientists Investigate.

We begin with the World Indoor Athletics Championships, where Great Britain decided to go absolutely feral and win three gold medals in 28 minutes. This is the kind of performance usually associated with video games, or toddlers who’ve just discovered the “run” button.

It was glorious. It was historic. It was also deeply confusing for commentators, who had to shout things like:

“AND ANOTHER GOLD FOR GREAT BRITAIN—WAIT, IS THAT THE SAME ONE? NO, IT’S A DIFFERENT ONE. HOW MANY OF THEM ARE THERE? HAS ANYONE CHECKED FOR CLONING?”

Meanwhile, the rest of the world looked on in mild panic, wondering whether the British athletes had been fuelled by tea, biscuits, or pure existential rage about train fares.




Manchester City Win the Carabao Cup Again, Everyone Pretends to Be Surprised.

In football, Manchester City won the Carabao Cup for the fifth time, which is impressive until you remember that Manchester City winning domestic trophies is now as predictable as the sun rising, or a pundit saying “at the end of the day” 47 times per broadcast!

Pep Guardiola celebrated in his usual understated manner, which is to say he looked like a man who had just discovered a new species of tactical formation and couldn’t wait to tell someone about it.

Opposing fans reacted with the traditional chant of “THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS,” while City fans responded with the equally traditional “YES, AND WE LOVE IT.”




Football Supporters’ Association Files Complaint Over World Cup Ticket Prices

Next up: the Football Supporters’ Association has filed a formal complaint to FIFA about “excessive ticket prices” for this summer’s World Cup.

This is shocking news, because FIFA is normally known for its gentle, community‑focused approach to pricing, famously charging only slightly more than the GDP of a medium‑sized nation for a seat behind a pillar.

Fans are outraged. Some have calculated that attending a single match will cost the same as:

- A family holiday  
- A used car  
- A small but respectable yacht  

FIFA has promised to “review the matter,” which is international‑sports‑governing‑body language for “we will put this in a drawer and never look at it again.”



Mohamed Salah to Leave Liverpool, City of Liverpool Begins 40‑Day Mourning Period.

Then came the bombshell: Mohamed Salah will leave Liverpool at the end of the season.

This is devastating news for Liverpool fans, who reacted with the five stages of grief in under 90 seconds. Some are still stuck on bargaining, offering Salah everything from lifetime free chippy teas to honorary ownership of the Mersey Ferry.

Jürgen Klopp reportedly sighed so loudly that it registered on seismographs.



Sifan Hassan Withdraws from London Marathon After Treadmill Incident.

In athletics, Olympic champion Sifan Hassan has pulled out of the London Marathon after an accident on her treadmill.

This raises many questions, including:

- How fast was she going  
- Why do treadmills hate humanity  
- And is this the same treadmill that once flung me into a wall at the gym  

Treadmills are dangerous. They lure you in with promises of “controlled indoor running” and then, without warning, turn into conveyor belts of doom.



England Shirt Prices Reach New Levels of Absurdity.

Finally, the Football Association has revealed the cost of England kits, and it is… bold.

A child’s shirt and shorts with name and number: £122.98  
An infant kit: £64.99  
An adult shirt with name and number: £104.99

This means that dressing your child as a small England player now costs roughly the same as:

- A week’s groceries  
- A minor surgical procedure  
- A black‑market World Cup ticket  
- A Litre of Fuel

Parents everywhere are considering cheaper alternatives, such as:

- Drawing the England badge on a white T‑shirt  
- Telling their kids “imagination is free”  
- Encouraging them to support Scotland instead  



And that, folks, is your week in sport: gold medals, expensive shirts, runaway treadmills, and the eternal mystery of why football governing bodies behave like they’re pricing tickets for a Beyoncé concert.


If next week features a tennis player being attacked by their own racket and a rugby team accidentally winning Eurovision, I won’t even blink.

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