The Weekly News Review of the last Seven days. As I value my freedom. Nothing about someone who might dwell in Norfolk.

Right then, grip something sturdy and lower your expectations, because the last seven days in news have been more chaotic than a stag do in a trampoline park. If you thought the world might take a breather after January, you’ve clearly underestimated the UK, the US, North Korea, and anyone involved in global politics.

We begin at home, where the UK has been busy doing what it does best: panicking about the economy, arguing about politics, and discovering new ways to make daily life slightly worse. Inflation has taken a “big drop,” which is excellent news for anyone who enjoys headlines but terrible news for anyone who’s actually been to a supermarket recently. The government insists this is a sign things are “moving in the right direction,” which is the political equivalent of saying “the house is still on fire, but the flames are now a lovely shade of blue.” 

Meanwhile, Labour has been wrestling with its own problems, including a row over whether raising the minimum wage for young people will price them out of the job market. The Week reports that youth unemployment is rising, which is hardly surprising given half the country’s under‑25s are currently working in coffee shops where the only career progression is “slightly bigger apron.” Keir Starmer insists the government will stick to its pledge, though he didn’t say when, which is classic political technique: promise the moon, deliver a pebble. 

And if you’re a British dual citizen living abroad, congratulations  you’re now part of a bureaucratic nightmare involving new passport rules. Expats are reportedly furious, with some considering renouncing their citizenship altogether. Imagine being so annoyed by paperwork that you’d rather stop being British. That’s not frustration that’s spiritual enlightenment. 

Elsewhere in the UK, police have opened a criminal probe into Peter Mandelson over Epstein‑linked misconduct, Because nothing says “modern Britain” like yet another investigation involving a politician, a billionaire, and a scandal so murky it needs its own foghorn. 

And in the “Britain continues to be Britain” category, a remote island in Wales has gone up for sale for less than the price of a London flat. This is excellent news for anyone who’s ever thought, “I’d like to live somewhere beautiful, peaceful, and completely inaccessible by public transport.” 

Now, across the Atlantic, America has been doing what America does best: arguing, panicking, and threatening to start wars. Donald Trump has issued a new warning about Diego Garcia, because apparently the man cannot go 48 hours without shouting at a map. Meanwhile, his allies are turning on him over Greenland, which is a sentence that feels like it was generated by a malfunctioning political bingo machine. 

In Texas, a woman was shot dead after an argument with her father over Trump, proving once again that American political discourse is less “spirited debate” and more “armed family therapy.” 

And if that wasn’t enough, the US is reportedly preparing for potential military action against Iran, with jets en route to the Middle East. Because nothing says “weekend plans” like the looming threat of global conflict. 

Meanwhile, North Korea has unveiled 50 rocket launchers, because Kim Jong‑un apparently wakes up every morning and thinks, “What if I made the world slightly more nervous today?” 

In Peru, the government has installed José Balcázar as interim president after political upheaval. Peru changes presidents more often than Britain changes prime ministers, which is impressive, because Britain has been treating leadership like a revolving door for years. 

In California, eight skiers were found dead after a massive avalanche a grim reminder that nature remains undefeated, no matter how expensive your ski jacket is. 

Back in the UK, reports that four police forces are investigating information in the Epstein files, because apparently this week’s theme is “scandals involving powerful men.” Meanwhile, a Northampton murder probe has been launched after a man was stabbed at a skate park, proving once again that Britain’s ability to generate bleak headlines is unmatched. 

And just when you thought things couldn’t get any more British, a woman reportedly hit a waiter with her high heels after arriving late for a restaurant reservation. This is the most accurate depiction of UK dining culture since someone described Wetherspoons as “a cathedral of chaos.” 

Finally, in the “global billionaires behaving badly” category, one extremely wealthy man has claimed he was duped by Jeffrey Epstein  which is a bit like saying you were tricked by a fox while standing in a henhouse wearing a sign that says “I love poultry!" 

THE WEEK IN SUMMARY

- Britain is confused, annoyed, and drowning in paperwork.  

- America is armed, angry, and shouting at itself.  

- North Korea is building rockets like it’s a school craft project.  

- Peru has a new president, again.  

- The world is on edge.  

- And a woman in Britain hit a waiter with a shoe.

In other words:  

It’s been a perfectly normal week on Planet Earth.