The Great British Loo: A Sanctuary for Multitasking.

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I walked into this public loo in York the other day yes, York, where the buildings are older than your Nan’s dentures! And I see this bloke with One hand under the hand dryer like he’s baptising it, and the other hand just texting! Texting like he’s negotiating peace in the Middle East. I thought, “Bloody hell, he's multitasking like a NASA robot with ADHD!”

I've been around. I've seen people texting while walking, texting while driving, Hell, I'm from Newcastle I've seen a man texting while he was getting mugged! He was like, “Hold up, let me finish this emoji before you cave my head in!” But this? This was next level. This man was drying his hand like it owed him money, and thumbing that screen like he was playin Chopin on a Nokia.

And It started me thinking is there any situation where a phone can’t be used nowadays? I mean, we have waterproof phones now. People taking selfies in hurricanes. “Look at me, everybody, category five!” We got folks live streamin’ their colonoscopies. “Smash that like button if you see polyps!”

You could be in a hostage situation, duct taped to a radiator, and still be like, “Hey Siri, text my mum: ‘Tell the dog I love him.’” You could be in church, mid exorcism, and still be scrollin’ through Tinder. “Swipe left on Satan, swipe right on salvation!”

Only time you can’t use a phone? Maybe when you dead? And even then, I bet some fool’s ghost is floating around like, “Damn, I forgot to post my funeral pics.”

So that man in York. I didn’t judge him. I saluted him. Because in a world where your phone is your therapist, your bank, your booty call, and your flashlight in a blackout if you aren’t texting while drying, you aren’t living.

Now excuse me while I go post this from the urinal.

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