The Five-Star Farce: When Toasters Change Lives and Bots Become Best Friends.

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I was reading about Amazon the other day, The website, not the rainforest. Although, come to think of it, both are full of predators, but only one sells ring lights and adult diapers in bulk.

So apparently, Amazon is just awash with fake five-star reviews. Yes, five stars! That’s the highest rating you can give something, unless you’re Yelp, in which case it’s also the lowest rating you can give your ex’s new restaurant.

Now, these reviews they’re not just fake, they’re enthusiastically fake. I saw one for a toaster that said, “This changed my life.” Changed your life? It’s a toaster, not a spiritual retreat. What were you doing before licking bread and hoping for the best?

And the grammar in these reviews, it’s always a little off, you know? Like, “This product is very good and make me happy in the soul.” Ah yes, the soul. That’s where I keep my Bluetooth speaker.

But the best part is when the review says, “I was not paid to write this.” Oh really? That’s like a guy showing up to a crime scene with a bloody knife saying, “I definitely didn’t do this, officer.” Thanks for the unsolicited alibi, Vlad from Shenzhen.

And you know who’s behind these reviews? Bots. Yeah, robots! We used to worry they’d take our jobs now they’re just pretending to love our salad spinners. Somewhere out there, a robot is writing, “This mop is the best friend I ever had.” And I’m like, “me too mate”

So next time you’re shopping online and you see a review that says, “Five stars! This inflatable neck pillow cured my depression,” just remember it might not be true. But hey, if it is true, I have to get me one of those pillows.

Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Unless my review gets flagged.


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