Meetings!

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Meetings are where productivity goes to die. They exist so people can pretend to contribute without actually lifting anything heavier than a sentence. I attend meetings simply to avoid doing any actual work!

Let me tell you something about meetings. Meetings are like church for people who don’t believe in God but still want to feel guilty about something.

You walk in, right? Bright eyed, hopeful, maybe you even have a little notebook thinking you're going to change the world. And then BAM! You realise you've just walked into a room full of people who got nothing to say but a whole load of bollocks!

First person stands up, clears their throat like they're about to drop a government fiscal policy. “I just want echo what Karen said.” Echo? Echo?! you're not in a bloody cave, sit your echo down!

Then Karen stands up again, like she's just been summoned by the spirit of redundancy. “I just want to build on what Steve said.” Build? Lady, this isn’t bloody LEGO! You aren't building nothing but a tower of wasted time!

And there’s always that one bloke let’s call him Greg who’s been quiet the whole time, looking like he’s solving quantum physics in his head. Then he leans forward, all serious, and says, “I think we need to circle back.” Circle back?! WTF!?, we've been circling so bloody long I feel like I’m in a bloody washing machine!

And the boss? Oh, the boss loves it. Nods like he’s watching Shakespeare. “Great insights, everyone.” Insights?! The only insight I had is that I should’ve faked a stomach ache and stayed home watching’ Bargain hunt!

But you know what? At the end, they all feel good. They said something. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t change anything. But they said it. And that, my friend, is how you turn a perfectly good hour into a group therapy session for people who haven’t any problems.

Meetings: where silence goes to die and common sense gets coffee.


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