How To Survive Public Speaking Without Making Eye Contact.

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Public speaking is a lot like fishing with dynamite. Loud, messy, and someone always ends up crying. Usually me. On the inside.

I don’t like speeches. I like silence, a nice steak, and solitude. But sometimes, life demands you stand in front of a crowd of strangers and pretend you care about their opinions. That’s called ‘leadership.’ Or ‘court mandated community service.’ Either way, it’s unpleasant.

When I speak, I keep it simple. No metaphors. No PowerPoint. No eye contact. Just the truth, delivered like a sledgehammer to the soul. If you need notes, you’re not ready. If you need applause, you’re in the wrong profession. And if you need a microphone, speak louder.

The key to a good speech is this: say what needs saying, then shut up. People will remember you more for your brevity than your brilliance. Unless you’re brilliant. Then they’ll remember you for the steak dinner you bought them afterward.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a bird box to whittle and a government to ignore.”


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