The Weekly News Review. A round up of the last Seven days so gloriously absurd that even the editor of The S*n wouldn't believe it!

A review of pure satirical despair, stitched together from the week’s actual news events and the general vibe of a nation that has collectively decided to power through chaos using tea and sarcasm.

Another week, another avalanche of news reminding Britain that reality is now written by a committee of bored scriptwriters who’ve been told to “make it more ridiculous, but keep it vaguely plausible.”

Let’s begin with Westminster, where the political class has spent the week behaving like contestants on a reality show called Britain’s Next Top Meltdown. Keir Starmer has been busy rallying business leaders in China, presumably to reassure them that the UK is still open for business, even if the business in question is mostly selling off whatever’s left of national dignity. 

Meanwhile, back home, the Labour Party has been dealing with internal gripes, sulks, and the sort of passive‑aggressive manoeuvring normally reserved for family WhatsApp groups. One of Starmer’s key allies had to address MPs about complaints over blocking Andy Burnham from a by‑election, because nothing says “strong, stable leadership” like a party arguing over who gets to stand where. 

And speaking of Burnham, the man himself has been framed as a potential “King in the North,” which is excellent news for anyone who felt Game of Thrones ended too soon and would like to see a reboot starring a bloke from Oldham. 

Over in the Conservative Party, Suella Braverman’s defection to Reform UK has triggered a wave of pearl‑clutching, hand‑wringing, and thinly veiled panic. Reform UK, delighted to have acquired a new headline generator, is now being treated as a “dangerous threat” by Labour’s Angela Rayner, who reassured the public that she is “not dead yet,” which is always good to clarify in British politics. 

Elsewhere, the government has announced plans for a new “FBI‑style” super‑force to tackle major crime, because nothing solves systemic policing issues like giving something a cool American name and hoping the public won’t ask questions. 

And then there’s Storm Chandra, which has spent the week battering the UK with rain, wind, snow, and the general sense that the weather has developed a personal vendetta. Flood warnings, travel chaos, and Somerset being turned into a temporary water feature have all featured prominently. 

But don’t worry HS2 is still digging tunnels at Euston, despite nobody being entirely sure what the final plan is. It’s comforting to know that even in times of uncertainty, Britain can rely on at least one infrastructure project to continue boldly into the abyss. 

Internationally, things have been no less surreal. Britain’s Prime Minister has been told by China’s Xi Jinping that the two nations must “rise above differences,” which is diplomatic code for “stop being weird about everything.” 

Meanwhile, Iran’s Supreme Leader has reportedly moved to an underground bunker as US naval forces loom nearby, which is exactly the sort of calm, measured development that helps everyone sleep soundly at night. 

In the US, ICE agents shot and killed an ICU nurse in Minnesota, prompting national outrage and yet another round of “how is this still happening?” from anyone with a functioning moral compass. 

Back in Europe, a British mother was stabbed to death in Spain, a story so bleak it momentarily cut through the usual noise of celebrity gossip and political nonsense. 

And in the world of culture, a film shot in East Lothian has been nominated for nine Oscars, proving once again that Scotland is capable of producing world‑class cinema when it’s not busy producing weather that feels like a punishment. 

But perhaps the most British story of the week comes from the NHS, where doctors continue to leave for Australia in droves. Apparently, the combination of sunshine, higher pay, and not being yelled at by tabloid newspapers is appealing. Who knew? 

Meanwhile, nearly half of UK mothers report mental‑health struggles, which is hardly surprising given the cost of living, the state of childcare, and the fact that every trip to the supermarket now costs roughly the same as a city‑break in Prague. 

And just to round things off, Great Ormond Street Hospital has been rocked by revelations that a surgeon harmed nearly 100 children an appalling story that somehow manages to be both shocking and depressingly in line with the general theme of “Everything is on fire.” 

So there you have it: a week in which the UK has lurched between political melodrama, meteorological chaos, international tension, and the usual assortment of scandals, tragedies, and baffling decisions.

In other words: just another normal week in 2026.