The Weekly News Review. a full‑blooded, sardonic, surreal, fed‑up, and written with the energy of a nation that’s been doomscrolling itself into an early grave 23rd January

Welcome back to another thrilling instalment of “The Week in News,” or as the British public now calls it, “What fresh hell is this?” It’s been seven days of political slapstick, economic indigestion, and global diplomacy conducted with all the finesse of a man trying to fold a deckchair during a hurricane.

Let’s begin at home, where the UK government has spent the week insisting everything is fine while simultaneously behaving like a malfunctioning smoke alarm. Inflation ticked up again, because of course it did Britain’s economy now operates on the same principle as a haunted house: every time you think it’s calm, something screams in the dark. The Bank of England muttered something about “market pressures,” which is economist‑speak for “we have absolutely no idea what’s happening but please don’t panic.”

Meanwhile, Westminster continued its favourite pastime: eating itself alive. Nigel Farage, who apparently “doesn’t do computers,” failed to declare 17 payments on time, which is impressive because most people manage to declare at least one payment without accidentally reinventing the concept of incompetence. He apologised, naturally, but in the same tone a teenager uses when saying sorry for crashing the family car into a wheelie bin.

Elsewhere, the government defended its decision to hand over the Chagos Islands to Mauritius, despite Donald Trump calling it “an act of great stupidity.” This is rich coming from a man who is trying to buy Greenland like it was a second‑hand sofa on Facebook Marketplace. Trump also announced tariffs, then unannounced them, then reannounced them, leaving Europe in a state of diplomatic whiplash. EU leaders described the situation as “deeply concerning,” which is diplomat‑speak for “we’re screaming internally.”

Speaking of Greenland, protests erupted there after Trump’s latest threats, because nothing says “international stability” like a superpower picking fights with an island famous mainly for ice and polite fishing communities. Denmark expressed “shock,” which is Scandinavian for “we are furious but too well‑mannered to shout.”

Back in the UK, schools were criticised for a dramatic drop in Holocaust Remembrance Day participation. The government responded by saying it was “looking into it,” which is political code for “we’ll form a committee and hope everyone forgets.” Meanwhile, a study revealed that doomscrolling is Britain’s most common pastime  beating reading, hobbies, and presumably “crying into a mug of tea.” The least enjoyed pastime? Also doomscrolling. Britain: a nation committed to misery, but with Wi‑Fi.

In world news, China’s enormous new “super embassy” in London was approved despite national security concerns. Critics warned it could be used for surveillance, influence, or simply intimidating passers‑by with its sheer size. The government insisted everything was above board, which is exactly what governments say right before something goes spectacularly wrong.

Meanwhile, the Arctic Circle is suddenly the hottest geopolitical property on Earth. Melting ice, natural resources, military outposts — it’s basically the world’s least fun theme park. Countries are scrambling for influence, and analysts warn it could become the next global flashpoint. Because obviously what the world needs right now is another flashpoint. We’ve only got about twelve.

In domestic chaos, the Northern Lights appeared over half the country, prompting millions of Britons to run outside in their pyjamas shouting “LOOK AT THAT!” before immediately posting blurry photos on social media. Scientists explained it was caused by solar activity; conspiracy theorists explained it was caused by “5G beams” and “the government messing with the sky again.” Britain remains divided.

Elsewhere, the SNP continued its internal meltdown, with ministers forced into embarrassing climbdowns and leadership hopefuls challenging each other like contestants on a low‑budget political version of Gladiators. Scotland deserves better, but unfortunately what it has is politicians who couldn’t organise a raffle in a sweet shop.

Internationally, tensions rose as EU ambassadors were summoned for emergency talks over Trump’s tariffs. Sweden declared it “would not be blackmailed,” which is bold considering Sweden’s usual diplomatic stance is “we brought cinnamon buns, can we talk this out.” Germany warned of economic fallout, France rolled its eyes, and Britain pretended to be calm while quietly Googling “what happens if the global economy collapses.”

And finally, in the “nature is sick of us” category, orcas continued their campaign of yacht‑sinking mischief. Marine biologists insist the whales are “just playing,” which is comforting unless you’re the owner of a yacht currently being used as a chew toy by a 6‑tonne aquatic anarchist!

CLOSING THOUGHTS

So that’s your week: inflation rising, politicians flailing, Europe panicking, China building, Trump threatening, Scotland wobbling, and whales launching a maritime uprising. Britain continues to stumble forward like a man who’s lost his glasses but insists he can still drive.

Tune in next week, when something else will explode, someone else will resign, and the government will U‑turn on whatever policy they announce tomorrow morning.