The Tudors: The Original Reality TV Family (with more beheadings)

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I was reading about the Tudors the other day As any school child will know that's Henry VIII and all his kin. Real wholesome family. Like the Brady Bunch, if the Brady Bunch had a habit of beheading their spouses.

So Henry VIII, right? He had six wives. Six! That’s not a marriage, that’s a hobby. I mean, most people get married once, maybe twice. Henry was out here collecting wives like Pokémon. “Gotta catch ‘em all then execute half of them.”

And the way they teach it in school, it’s like this romantic soap opera. “Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.” That’s not a love story, that’s a warning label. You marry Henry, you better keep your head on a swivel. Literally.

Then you have Bloody Mary. Not the cocktail, the queen. She burned people at the stake for not being Catholic. Which is a weird way to win converts. “Join us… or we’ll roast you like a marshmallow.” Yeah, that’s persuasive.

And Elizabeth I she’s the one who never married. Probably looked at her family tree and went, “Yeah, I think I’ll pass.” I mean, her dad chopped off her mum’s head. That’s not exactly a Hallmark moment.

The whole Tudor dynasty was like a medieval episode of Jerry Springer. You got illegitimate kids, religious feuds, political backstabbing… and everyone’s wearing tights. It’s like Game of Thrones, but with worse dental hygiene.

Anyway, the Tudors. Real classy bunch. Makes you appreciate modern politicians. At least they don’t settle debates with swords. Usually.


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