The Age of Unnecessary Upgrades.

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Britain today issued a collective sigh as yet another perfectly functional thing was “upgraded” into a confusing, glitch-ridden hellscape by a man called Gavin in a lanyard.

Sources confirmed that the phrase “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” was last heard moments before Gavin, armed with a PowerPoint and a dangerous level of confidence, decided to “streamline” the office kettle. It now requires a retina scan, a Bluetooth handshake, and a six-digit passcode to boil water. It also plays Coldplay.

Meanwhile, the nation’s pensioners are still recovering from the trauma of the new bus ticketing system, which involves downloading an app, creating a profile, verifying your identity via carrier pigeon, and then printing a QR code using a printer that hasn’t worked since the Blair administration.

Experts say the phenomenon is spreading. Door handles are being replaced with facial recognition pads. Light switches now require a software update. And don’t even ask about the new toilet in the civic hall it’s voice-activated, but only responds to fluent Estonian.

One man, who attempted to fix a squeaky floorboard, accidentally triggered a full smart-home meltdown. His fridge locked itself, the curtains started quoting Nietzsche, and Alexa called the police.

A government spokesperson said: “We believe in progress. Even if that progress means turning a simple, reliable thing into a baffling, unusable nightmare that makes you question the very fabric of reality.”

In unrelated news, Gavin has been promoted. His next project: reinventing the wheel. It’ll be square, subscription-based, and only compatible with Windows 95.

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