That sporting week. A review of the last seven days in sport. With the tone of a bloke in the pub after nine pints and three Scotch eggs! And an opinion about throw-ins.

Well then, what a seven‑day sporting bonanza it’s been!  the kind of week where British sport once again resembles a Punch & Judy show performed inside a tumble dryer full of angry ferrets. If you thought January might bring calm professionalism, you’ve clearly never met the Premier League, the Australian Open, or a kangaroo with behavioural issues.

We begin with Sean Dyche, a man who looks like he was carved out of a pub ashtray, demanding that the Premier League ban towels from the sidelines. Yes, towels. The great menace of modern football. According to Dyche, Brentford were taking so long drying the ball during throw‑ins that he aged three years during the match. After Everton’s 2–0 win, Dyche declared towels “a disgrace,” which is strong language from a man who once described a broken nose as “a minor inconvenience.” Expect the FA to respond by forming a 14‑person committee, consulting a panel of experts, and eventually banning towels, sponges, and possibly moisture itself.

Meanwhile, Manchester United beat Arsenal 3–2, a result so baffling it caused several pundits to stare into the middle distance like traumatised Victorian children. United fans celebrated as they’d just discovered electricity, while Arsenal supporters insisted the referee was either blind, biased, or possibly a hologram controlled by Sir Alex Ferguson. Michael Carrick called it “A turning point,” which is adorable, like watching a toddler announce they’re moving out.

Down in Australia, Emma Raducanu confirmed she has split from coach Francisco Roig after her second‑round exit at the Australian Open. This marks roughly the 47th coach Raducanu has parted ways with, leading some observers to wonder if she’s running a tennis academy or a revolving door. Raducanu said she was “Grateful for the work they did together,” which is tennis‑speak for “it’s not you, it’s me, but also it’s a bit you.” Meanwhile, fans at the tournament continued to complain about food prices so high that they make airport sandwiches look like charity.

Speaking of Australia, the Tour Down Under was interrupted by a naughty kangaroo, because of course it was! The marsupial bounded onto the course, causing cyclists to swerve, brake, and in one case scream “WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THAT?” in a voice several octaves higher than usual. Officials described the kangaroo as “disruptive,” which is putting it mildly  it behaved like a furry streaker with no regard for cycling etiquette.

Back on more civilised soil, a Don Bradman ‘baggy green’ cap from the 1947–48 India series sold at auction for A$460,000 (£232,000). That’s nearly a quarter of a million quid for a hat that looks like it’s been stored in a compost bin since the war. Collectors called it “a priceless piece of cricket history,” while everyone else wondered why anyone would spend house‑deposit money on something that smells like mothballs and disappointment.

In more uplifting news, Alice Kinsella is attempting to become the first British artistic gymnast to return to elite competition after giving birth. This is genuinely impressive  gymnastics is hard enough without also having to raise a tiny human who thinks sleep is optional. Kinsella says she’s determined to prove motherhood and elite sport can coexist, which is inspiring, though one suspects the uneven bars are less forgiving than a toddler.

And finally, in the “Only in sport” category, the week ended with pundits arguing about towels, kangaroos, hats, coaches, and whether Manchester United are “back” . British sport remains a glorious circus  unpredictable, chaotic, and occasionally interrupted by wildlife.

Call back  next week, when presumably someone else will demand a ban on something stupid, another kangaroo will invade a sporting event, and Manchester United will declare yet another turning point.

Till next week Sports fan's . Have a great week.