Germany: Where 'Ordnung' Reigns and the Pigeons Have Clipboards.

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Let me tell you something’ about the Germans. Woo! Have you ever been to Germany? That place is so clean, even the pigeons have jobs. I saw a pigeon with a clipboard he was taking notes on dust on the paths! I said, “Bird, you better back up, I’m just trying to walk here!” He said, “Nein! Alles in Ordnung!” I said, “What the hell is an Ordnung? Is that like a German doughnut?”

The German people love order. I mean LOVE it. Not like your mum loves Eastenders, I mean like your uncle loves Guinness. Deep. Passionate. Spiritual. You could drop a bratwurst on the floor in Berlin and five people would dive on it like it was a grenade. “Nein! That sausage is out of alignment!”

And don’t even talk about mullets. You think that’s chaos? No!, In Germany, even the mullets have symmetry. Business in the front, party in the back but the party ends at 10:30 sharp. They got a DJ with a stopwatch. “Ja, ja, techno time is over. Please return to your designated hair zones.”

And football?, They beat England on penalties like it’s a national hobby. They don’t even celebrate anymore. They just file paperwork. “Ja, we have defeated England. Please sign here, here, and initial the humiliation clause.”

But the real thing that makes their hearts flutter is order. Have you ever seen a German man organise a sock drawer? It’s like watching ballet. He got sock choreography. Left sock, right sock, colour-coded, alphabetised. I said,, You have socks in alphabetical order?” He said, “Of course. Alles in Ordnung.” I said, “You got socks named Albert and Zelda?”

I tried to overtake someone on a path in Munich once. Just once. I took one step off the curb and three grandmothers tackled me like I stole their schnitzel. One of ’them pulled out a ruler and measured my shame. “You are 17 centimetres out of Ordnung!”

So next time you go to Germany, don’t bring chaos. Don’t bring confusion. And for the love of bratwurst, don’t bring glitter. Just bring a label maker, a spreadsheet, and a prayer. Because over there? Everything and I mean everything is in Ordnung.

Even the pigeons.

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