Fabulous Baby Fashion Fiasco.

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Babies those tiny, dribbling fashionistas have wardrobes that would make Elton John weep with envy. I popped into a baby shower once and thought I’d stumbled into Milan Fashion Week for the under-fives. T-shirts emblazoned with rock bands! AC/DC! Nirvana! The baby hasn’t even developed taste yet, let alone a Spotify playlist. I mean, really, what’s next? A onesie with “I survived Glastonbury” stitched in sequins?

And the snowsuits! Oh, the snowsuits! Hand-me-downs from cousins who lived in the Arctic Circle, apparently. So thick and fluffy, the poor cherub looks like a taxidermied marshmallow. And they only fit in July, when the sun is blazing and the only snow is in your gin and tonic. It’s fashion with a sense of humour, like wearing a bikini to a funeral. Bold, but confusing.

And as for their shoes!? Elaborate, expensive, and utterly useless. The baby can’t walk, can’t crawl, can barely burp without applause and yet there they are, wearing miniature brogues that cost more than my wedding. But fear not! These shoes serve a noble purpose: to be kicked off with flair, flung into the ether, and discovered dangling from park railings like tiny lost souls. Hung there by strangers who think they’re performing a public service. “Oh look, a baby shoe! Let’s display it like a Banksy!”

Honestly, it’s less a wardrobe and more a performance art installation. And the baby? Just lying there, gurgling, farting, and judging us all silently. Fabulous.

💜

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