The weekly review of The week's shenanigans in the weekly world of Entertainment. 5th December.

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Here’s your satirical monologue review of the last seven days in UK entertainment! Equal parts bawdy, surreal, and tabloid-parody. Strap in, for another dose of weekly nonsense.


Well, what a week it’s been in the glittering cesspit of UK entertainment, where celebrities continue to behave like malfunctioning Sims characters while the rest of us watch on, clutching our Greggs steak bakes like rosary beads. First up, I’m A Celebrity continues its annual tradition of locking semi-famous people in a jungle and forcing them to eat things that look like they’ve fallen out of a builder’s lunchbox. Martin Kemp, who apparently didn’t do a Bushtucker Trial, has sparked outrage among fans who wanted to see him gag on kangaroo testicles. Instead, he’s been lounging about like a man who’s accidentally wandered into a Center Parcs sauna. Meanwhile, Kelly Brook has been accused of “snitching” on her campmates, proving once again that the jungle is less Bear Grylls and more Year 9 playground.

Elsewhere, Ellie Goulding turned up at the Fashion Awards at the Royal Albert Hall with a surprise baby bump reveal, proving that the red carpet is now less about couture and more about obstetrics. Sienna Miller joined in too, debuting her own bump in a sheer lace dress, which looked like something your nan might use to cover a fruitcake at Christmas. Between the two of them, the Fashion Awards resembled a maternity ward sponsored by Prada.

Speaking of ageing gracefully, Eamonn Holmes celebrated his 66th birthday with a cake on GB News. The cake was presumably made of pure indignation and lightly dusted with conspiracy theories. Viewers were delighted to see him beam like a man who’s just discovered the “mute” button on his co-host.

Meanwhile, Sir Tom Stoppard, the legendary playwright, sadly passed away, prompting tributes from across the arts world. The King himself paid tribute, which is the closest thing Britain has to a royal endorsement of your obituary. Stoppard’s death was a reminder that while reality TV contestants squabble over rice portions, actual cultural giants occasionally shuffle off this mortal coil.

On the tech side of entertainment, Netflix’s new sci-fi thriller smashed records with 59.5 million views in five days. That’s more people than have ever successfully understood the plot of Tenet. And in gaming news, PS5 and Xbox were reportedly outsold in the US by a mysterious new console nobody’s heard of. Presumably it’s powered by rage, disappointment, and a hamster on a wheel.

Adrian Chiles revealed he’s been diagnosed with skin cancer, though thankfully not serious. In true Chiles fashion, he delivered the news with the same tone he uses to describe a disappointing pint of bitter. Prince Harry, meanwhile, was impersonated by Alison Hammond, and apparently you’ll “never look at him the same way again”. Which is odd, because most of us haven’t looked at him the same way since he started flogging mindfulness apps in California.

And finally, Jeremy Clarkson’s Clarkson’s Farm issued an urgent announcement after facing a “major blow”. Presumably the blow was either agricultural, financial, or him accidentally insulting a sheep. Either way, fans were left clutching their copies of Top Gear DVDs like relics from a simpler time.

So there you have it: a week where celebrity pregnancies were unveiled like avant-garde handbags, jungle politics descended into tattling, and Netflix proved once again that people will watch literally anything if you put “thriller” in the title. Tune in next week, when presumably someone else will reveal a bump, Clarkson will shout at a cow, and Martin Kemp will continue to avoid eating marsupial genitals like the national treasure he is.


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