The Weekly News Review For 5th December.

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Well, what a week it’s been in the swirling lavatory pan of global news, where politicians, royals, and assorted lunatics have been splashing about like toddlers in a paddling pool filled with Red Bull. 

Well, the Budget may have been last week, but the fallout has been clattering on like a broken shopping trolley down a hill. Chancellor Rachel Reeves is now accused of having “lied” about a £26bn black hole in the public finances, which turned out to be more of a surplus than a sinkhole. It’s the political equivalent of telling your mates you’re skint, then being spotted buying a round of Jägerbombs. Reeves insists she was just “plugging the gap,” though critics say she’s been plugging it with our wallets. The SNP called it “absolute chaos”, which is rich coming from a party that can’t even agree on who’s in charge of the biscuits at meetings.

The Office for Budget Responsibility boss resigned after the leak fiasco, nobly declaring “I take full responsibility.” Which is refreshing, because usually responsibility in Westminster is treated like a hot potato dipped in lava. Reeves herself has been accused of bribing Labour MPs to back her tax raid, which sounds less like fiscal policy and more like a dodgy pub raffle.

Meanwhile, unions are fuming about frozen tax thresholds until 2031, meaning millions of workers will be dragged into higher tax bands while still earning the same soggy pay packets. Reeves calls it “fairness,” which is a bit like calling a mugging “redistribution.” The Lib Dems labelled it “an assault on the squeezed middle”—though given most of us haven’t had a middle since lockdown, it’s more of a kick in the waistband.

Elsewhere in Blighty, King Charles welcomed German president Frank-Walter Steinmeier to Windsor Castle, where they shared jokes and venison. The King also condemned Russian aggression, which is brave given the last time Britain fought Russia it was mainly with cannons and cholera. Still, it’s nice to know the royals are keeping busy between ribbon cuttings and pretending to enjoy opera.

Meanwhile, DNA on a cigarette butt solved a 20-year-old murder mystery, reminding us all that if you’re going to commit heinous acts, maybe don’t leave your Lambert & Butler lying around.

Abroad, Vladimir Putin held talks with US envoys about a Ukraine peace plan. He claimed Russia doesn’t want war but is “ready if Europe does,” which is the geopolitical equivalent of saying “I don’t want a fight, but I’ve already taken my shirt off in Wetherspoons.” NATO leaders and Keir Starmer were apparently preparing for “cessation of hostilities”, which sounds optimistic given Putin’s idea of peace usually involves annexing something and then sulking.

Elsewhere, Hong Kong was rocked by a deadly apartment fire that killed over 100 people. Officials blamed unsafe netting, which is a bit like blaming a trampoline for a plane crash. In the US, House Democrats released new photos from Jeffrey Epstein’s private island, which is less “news” and more “reminder that the world is a cesspit.” And Pope Leo urged Donald Trump not to overthrow Venezuela’s president by force, which is a sentence so surreal it could have been written by Chris Morris after three pints of absinthe.

Closer to home, Zipcar announced it’s shutting down UK operations, leaving thousands of urbanites stranded without access to cars they don’t own. Expect a surge in Deliveroo drivers being asked to give people lifts to IKEA. And in weather news, Brits were treated to rare sightings of the Northern Lights, which is basically nature’s way of saying “sorry about the budget, here’s some pretty colours.”

So there you have it: a week where Reeves is accused of fiscal fibbing, the OBR boss fell on his sword, unions fumed, Charles dined with Germans, Putin played geopolitical pub brawler, Hong Kong burned, Epstein’s island reappeared like a cursed artefact, and Zipcar abandoned Britain like a dodgy boyfriend. Tune in next week when presumably Reeves will tax sandwiches, Charles will host the King of Belgium, and Putin will announce peace talks conducted entirely via karaoke.


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