Outings: A Survival Guide for the Socially Bewildered.

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Outings: A Survival Guide for the Socially Bewildered by Jim Corbridge 
 (if he’d had a pint too many and a vendetta against fresh air)

- Pub Garden Hellscape.
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You thought it’d be a tranquil pint in the sun. Instead, it’s a wasp-infested battlefield of screaming toddlers, shirtless men named Kev, and one bloke who insists on vaping clouds the size of Gibraltar. You spend £7.50 on a pint of “artisan lager” that tastes like regret and elderflower.

- The National Trust Trap.
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You pay £24 to walk around a stately home that smells of mildew and Tory nostalgia. You pretend to admire tapestries while secretly wondering if the gift shop sells gin. You exit through the tea room, where a scone costs more than your dignity.


- Picnic Purgatory.
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You pack a lovely lunch. Nature packs wasps, wind, and a dog named Buster who urinates on your hummus. You sit on damp grass, trying to look serene while your quiche disintegrates like your will to live..


- The Walk That Wasn’t .
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Your mate says “just a short walk.” Three hours later you’re scaling a hill that looks like Mordor. You’ve lost circulation in both feet and your friendship. The pub at the end is closed. You cry.

- The Cultural Excursion.
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You go to a gallery to “expand your mind.” You stare at a canvas that looks like someone spilled soup on it. A man in a linen shirt says it’s “a commentary on late capitalism.” You nod, then flee to Greggs.



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