The Common Cold: When Your Head Becomes Niagara Falls and Your Brain Microwaves Your Socks.

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The common cold. Or to give it's Greek name The common bastard cold! Because the term 'the common cold' implies it’s something ordinary, like a lukewarm cup of tea or a mildly disappointing sandwich. But let me tell you, there is nothing “Common” about the heavy variety. That’s the one that shows up like a drunken cousin at Christmas, demanding attention, wrecking your sinuses, and refusing to leave.

A light cold is what other people get. These are the people who sneeze once, dab their nose with a tissue that looks like it was folded by origami monks, and then say things like, “I think I’m coming down with something,” while jogging past you in Lycra. Their cold lasts approximately 14 minutes and is cured by herbal tea and positive thinking.

A heavy cold, on the other hand, is what I bloody well get! It’s the full West end production. Your nose becomes Niagara Falls. Your throat feels like it’s been sandpapered by a team of angry beavers. Your voice drops three octaves and gains a phlegmy vibrato that makes you sound like a jazz saxophone being played underwater. You sneeze so hard that a bloke in Peru falls off his ladder! Your eyes water like you’ve just watched the end of Bambi on repeat. And your brain!? your poor, mucus marinated brain starts misfiring so badly you put your keys in the fridge and try to microwave your socks.

Why do I always catch the heavy variety? Because the universe has a sense of humour, and I am its favourite sitcom. Somewhere in the cosmos, there’s a celestial betting pool where angels wager on how many tissues I’ll go through before I start using my sleeve. Spoiler: they always bet high.

And let’s not forget the cold medicine, which promises “relief” but delivers a psychedelic experience where you forget your own name and wake up wearing a bathrobe backwards, wondering if you’ve invented a new fashion trend!?

So yes, the difference between a light cold and a heavy cold is the difference between a polite tap on the shoulder and being hit in the face with a frozen chicken. And me, my friends are apparently on the chicken list.

 

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