Team Motivation.

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I was asked to give a motivational speech to a team. I said, “I’m not sure I’m qualified. I once got demotivated by a vending machine. It ate my pound and gave me nothing. That’s not just theft. That’s a metaphor.”


But I showed up anyway. I told them, “Teamwork is important. Like when you’re robbing a bank. You need someone to drive the car, someone to hold the bag, and someone to say, ‘This was a bad idea.’ That’s the glue guy.”


Motivation is weird. People say, “You have to give 110%.” That’s not mathematically sound. If I gave 110%, I’d owe myself 10% interest. And I’m already in debt to my own laziness.


I tried to motivate my team once. I said, “Let’s go out there and crush it!” They said, “What are we crushing?” I said, “I don’t know. Morale? Expectations? A bag of crisps?” They were confused. But they were also hungry. So we crushed the crisps. That was our team building exercise.


Some people climb the corporate ladder. I prefer the corporate escalator. It’s slower, but you don’t have to do anything. And if it breaks, it becomes stairs. That’s versatility.


I told my team, “We need synergy.” They said, “What’s synergy?” I said, “It’s when you pretend to like each other for the sake of productivity.” They said, “Isn’t that just life?” I said, “Exactly. But with fewer pies.”


I read a book on leadership. It said, “Lead by example.” So I took a nap. Now everyone’s asleep. I’m very influential. Sometimes I motivate people by lowering the bar. I say, “Let’s aim for mediocrity.” That way, when we do slightly better, it feels like a win. That’s called strategic underachievement.


I told my team, “We’re like a jazz band. Everyone’s doing their own thing, but somehow it works.” Then the saxophone guy quit. We don’t have a saxophone guy. But now we miss him.

I tried to implement a reward system. I said, “If you hit your targets, you get a cake.” They said, “What if we exceed them?” I said, “Then you get two cakes.” They said, “What if we revolutionise the industry?” I said, “Then you get a doughnut.” They said, “What kind?” I said, “custard.” They stopped trying.


I once gave a pep talk that ended with, “Let’s go out there and do something… memorable.” We got banned from the building. Mission accomplished.

Motivation is like Wi-Fi. Sometimes it’s strong. Sometimes it drops out. And sometimes you’re just pretending to have it so people leave you alone.


So if you want to motivate your team, just remember: be clear, be kind, and occasionally bring doughnuts. Because nothing says “I value your contribution” like fried dough and sugar.


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