Punctuality German Style.

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I’ve just come back from a whirlwind tour of Europe well, Heathrow Terminal 5, which is practically the same thing and I must tell you, I had a little run-in with the Germans. Not literally, of course. I don’t run. I glide. But I overheard one of them say, “Punctuality is the politeness of kings.” And I thought, “How marvellous! How regal! How utterly ironic!”

Because let’s be honest. Germany hasn’t had a king since Kaiser Wilhelm packed up his moustache and fled to the Netherlands in 1918. That’s right, they waved auf Wiedersehen to the monarchy and never looked back. So when a German tells you punctuality is kingly, you must ask: which king? Elvis? Burger? Or perhaps King Charles, who’s still trying to figure out how to open a packet of Hobnobs without Camilla catching him.

Now I’m not saying the Germans aren’t punctual. Oh no, they’re so punctual they make Big Ben look like it’s on a gap year. They arrive five minutes early, clutching a clipboard, a fountain pen, and a look of mild disappointment that you didn’t iron your socks. But politeness? Well, let’s just say it’s a different dialect. I once asked a German waiter for a spoon and he brought me a lecture on cutlery etiquette and a pamphlet on the Treaty of Versailles. I said, “Love, I just want to stir my tea, not rewrite history!”

And speaking of royalty, if our Teutonic friends are feeling nostalgic for a bit of crown-and-sceptre action, they’re welcome to pop over to Buckingham Palace. We’ve got enough tiaras to start a Swarovski civil war. The Windsors may not be German by passport, but let’s not forget Prince Philip was basically a walking family tree of European aristocracy. He had more titles than a Netflix account shared by six cousins.

But I do admire the German efficiency. I really do. Their trains run on time, their sausages are symmetrical, and their Christmas markets smell like cinnamon and existential dread. It’s all very orderly. Unlike for instance Australia, where punctuality means showing up before the pub closes and politeness is not calling someone until after dessert.

Still, I think there’s something charming about the idea that being on time is a royal virtue. It’s certainly more useful than waving from balconies or opening hospitals. I mean, when was the last time a monarch turned up early to a ribbon cutting and said, “Sorry I’m early, I just couldn’t wait to bless this car park”?

So next time a German tells you that punctuality is the politeness of kings, just smile sweetly, 

Now go forth, my little time-conscious treasures, and remember: whether you’re early, late, or somewhere in between, always make an entrance. Preferably with panache.

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