My Accidental Foray into Finance: From Quavers to Quantum Hedge Alpha.

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It started, as all great financial decisions do, with a Tesco Clubcard voucher and a bottle of Echo Falls. I was trying to buy a packet of Quavers and accidentally invested in the Dow Jones. One minute I’m Googling “How to make toast without setting off the smoke alarm,” next I’m on a Zoom call with Chad from Manhattan who says things like “bullish sentiment” and “diversify your exposure,” which I assumed was a polite way of telling me to wear trousers.

I didn’t mean to get a stockbroker. I thought I was signing up for club points. But apparently I clicked “yes” on a pop-up that said “Want to maximise your portfolio?” and now I own 0.0003% of a tech startup that makes biodegradable yoga mats for cats.

Chad says I’m doing well. He says my assets are “performing.” I told him my only asset is a 2012 Vauxhall Corsa with a broken glovebox and a mysterious smell. He said “we’ll short it.” I said “I already have, it’s parked in a ditch.”

Now I get daily emails with graphs. I don’t understand the graphs. They look like the ECG of someone watching EastEnders during a thunderstorm. Chad says we’re “leveraging volatility.” I say I’m leveraging a Pot Noodle on top of a radiator.

Apparently I’m “in the market.” I don’t know what that means. I thought it meant Tesco. But Chad says I’m “exposed to emerging sectors.” I said I once got exposed to an emerging sector in Magaluf and needed antibiotics.

Anyway, I’m now technically a shareholder. I own 0.7 shares in something called “Quantum Hedge Alpha.” I don’t know what it does. I think it’s either a cryptocurrency or a nightclub. Either way, I’m £38 down and my wife says I’ve changed.

So that’s how I ended up with a stockbroker in New York. I wanted crisps. I got capitalism.

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