How to Talk to Your Husband (Hint: Treat Him Like a Golden Retriever).

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Let’s talk about what not to say to your husband. Because some of you out there treat marriage like a UFC weigh-in.

Have you ever noticed how women got this magical ability to say one sentence that ruins a whole weekend? Like, blokes are chillin’, watching the match, and she walks in like:

 “We need to talk.”

Oh hell no. That’s the relationship equivalent of the police knocking on your door. You know it’s bad. You just don’t know how bad yet.

And ladies, stop asking questions you don’t want the answers to. Like:

“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

Now why would you do that? That’s like handing a man a grenade and saying, “Pull the pin if you love me.”

And don’t hit him with:

 “I saw your ex on Instagram. She looks happy.”

Of course she looks happy. She’s not with you! That’s how exes work. They glow up like Pokémon the minute you break up.

Now here’s a classic:

“You never listen to me.”

He listens. He just doesn’t remember. There’s a difference. Men got selective memory. We remember stats from the 1996 FA cup final (ManUtd 1 Liverpool 0 Eric Catona scored the winner in the 78th minute the final will always be remembered for the white suits the Liverpool players wore before Kick off), But I digress. However he will forget your birthday unless it’s tattooed on a pizza box.

And don’t ever say:

 “My dad would never treat my mom like this.”

Well guess what? Your dad also had a secret family in Kent. So let’s not hold him up like he’s Gandhi.

Oh, and the worst one:

 “I’m fine.”

No you’re not. “I’m fine” is the female version of a male's " I know what I'm doing with this IKEA shelf!" It means you’re guilty, mad, and plotting revenge involving throw pillows and passive-aggressive texts.



So ladies, if you love your man, talk to him like he’s a golden retriever with a mortgage. Simple, clear, and with snacks. And fellas, if she says “we need to talk,” just fake a stroke. It’s safer.

Love is just a hostage situation with better lighting.


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