Cloud Cuckooland.

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“Cloud Cuckooland” that magical place where logic goes to die and everyone’s living in a delusion wrapped in a gluten free tortilla:

I recently heard somebody say, “Oh, I just live in Cloud Cuckooland” I warmly congratulated, myself on meeting a lunatic! That’s not a place. That’s not a vibe. That’s a full blown psychological condition! Cloud Cuckooland is where people go when reality taps them on the shoulder and they just... nope! They swan dive into a vat of unicorn glitter and start talking about how vibes are currency now!

I swear to God, I met another bloke last week he tells me he’s “manifesting a career in crypto astrology.” What the hell is that!? You’re telling me your financial strategy is based on the moon being in retrograde while Dogecoin does a backflip? That’s not investing, that’s a horoscope with a gambling addiction!

And then we have the influencers. Oh my God. These people are the mayors of Cloud Cuckooland. They’re out here selling “healing crystals” and “frequency water” like they’re the Dalai Lama with a Shopify account. One lady told me her bath salts were “infused with the essence of Jupiter.” Jupiter! You know what Jupiter is? It’s a gas giant! It doesn’t have essence! It’s a big fart in space!

Meanwhile, back on planetEarth, I’m trying to pay my mortgage and this bloke is telling me he’s “vibrating at a higher frequency.” Bud, you’re vibrating because you drank six cans of red bull mate and haven’t slept since Tuesday. That’s not enlightenment, that’s a caffeine overdose!

And the worst part? They all think they’re helping. “Oh, I’m just raising the collective consciousness.” No, you’re lowering the collective IQ. You’re out here telling people to quit their jobs and follow their dreams, which apparently involve selling moon juice out of a van with no brakes.

I miss the days when delusion had a limit. You know? Like, you could be a little nuts, but you still had to pay taxes. Now it’s like, “I don’t believe in money, I trade in intentions.” Intentions! What are you, a wizard? You're going to pay your electric bill with a vision board!?

Cloud Cuckooland used to be a metaphor. Now it’s a postcode. People live there. They’ve got brunch spots and yoga studios and a guy named Sky who sells kombucha out of a mason jar he found in a skip. And they all talk like they’re in a TED Talk that never ends. “I just feel like my truth is evolving.” Your truth? What happened to the truth? You don’t get your own truth! That’s not how truth works! That’s how lying works!

Anyway, I gave to go. I’ve a meeting with a guy who thinks his cat is his reincarnated grandmother. He’s paying me in “gratitude tokens.” I don’t know what those are, but I’m pretty sure they don’t work at Tesco.


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