What not to say to your husband after he's been glued to his phone for over two hours.

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So this here’s about what not to say to your husband when he’s been staring at his phone for over two hours, like it’s the Dead Sea Scrolls and he’s just cracked the emoji code. This is a public service announcement, really. Like a warning label on a toaster that says “don’t bathe with this.” Obvious, but apparently necessary.



Now, when your husband’s been looking at his phone for so long he’s started to evolve thumbs that can swipe independently of his brain, your first instinct might be to say something like, “Are you ever going to look at me again?” But don’t. Because he won’t. Not because he doesn’t love you, but because he’s halfway through a 47-minute YouTube video titled ‘Top 10 Times a Squirrel Looked Like a Victorian Ghost’ and he’s emotionally invested.

You might also be tempted to say, “What’s so interesting on your phone?” But that’s like asking a toddler why they’ve put a crayon in the toaster. There’s no good answer, and you’ll only end up with more questions and possibly a small fire.

Avoid saying, “You’re addicted to that thing.” Because he’ll say, “No I’m not,” while still scrolling, which is like saying “I’m not drunk” while trying to unlock your front door with a slice of ham.

Don’t say, “You never listen to me anymore.” Because he’ll say, “What?” which proves your point but also makes you want to throw his phone into a canal and then jump in after it just to shout “I told you so” at the fish.

And definitely don’t say, “I could be on fire and you wouldn’t notice.” Because then you’ll have to actually set yourself on fire to win the argument, and that’s not sustainable. Especially if you’ve just had your hair done.

Instead, try saying nothing. Just stare at him. Not lovingly. More like a Victorian child ghost who’s just seen a man invent the telephone and is deeply unimpressed. Eventually, he’ll feel the weight of your silence, like a cat judging him from across the room. And he’ll look up. And when he does, say something cryptic like, “It’s done.” Then walk away. He’ll be confused for days!

Because sometimes, the best way to get someone’s attentio is to act like you’ve already buried the body.

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