That Sporting Week. A look back at some of the last week's top sports stories.: As A Nation Sweats, Shouts, And Reavaluates Its Life Choices(Bought To You By A Man Who Has Clearly Inhaled Too Many Stadium Hot‑Dog Fumes.)

This past week in sport has been what scientists call “absolutely bonkers,” and by scientists I mean me, a man who once pulled a hamstring getting off a sofa!

Let’s begin with the big news: Arsenal and Celtic both won their league titles, causing two separate cities to explode in joy, confetti, and at least one man climbing a lamppost while dressed as a traffic cone. Arsenal fans are thrilled because this is the first time in years they haven’t had to say, “Well, mathematically we’re still in it,” while Celtic fans are celebrating their 47th title of the century, give or take.

Meanwhile, Aston Villa won the Europa League, which is incredible when you remember that a few years ago they were about as stable as a folding chair from Poundland. Villa fans are now walking around with the swagger of people who’ve just discovered they’re heirs to a biscuit fortune. The rest of the Premier League is quietly panicking because Villa appear to have become… good. Like, actually good. This was not in the script.

Over at Wembley, Manchester City won the FA Cup, beating Chelsea 1–0 in a match best described as “football happened.” City lifted the trophy with their usual calm professionalism, while Chelsea fans sighed deeply and added it to their growing list of things that have gone wrong this year, right under “ran out of managers” and “spent the GDP of Belgium on wingers.”

Speaking of which, Chelsea have now appointed Xabi Alonso as their third manager in a year, because apparently the club is collecting managers like Pokémon. At this rate, by Christmas they’ll have a full set and will evolve into something called Chelzeus, a giant blue creature that shouts “WE NEED TIME TO BUILD” while throwing money at midfielders.

In golf, England’s Aaron Rai won the US PGA Championship at Aronimink, a course so difficult it has been known to reduce grown professionals to people who mutter things like “Why is the grass doing that?” Rai triumphed with calm precision, two gloves, and the facial expression of a man who has never once lost his car keys. America is still trying to figure out how someone can be both polite and lethal at the same time.

In rugby, the England women’s team won their fifth straight Grand Slam, which is the sporting equivalent of casually saying, “Oh this? Just another undefeated rampage through Europe.” They are now so dominant that opposing teams have started bringing emotional support animals to matches.

But the week wasn’t all triumph. Scotland mourned the passing of Scott Hastings, one of the greats of Scottish rugby and a man who played with the kind of fearless intensity normally reserved for people trying to assemble IKEA furniture without instructions. His legacy is enormous, and the tributes have poured in from across the rugby world.

And finally, the UK is once again flirting with the idea of hosting the Olympics, this time with a North of England bid for the 2040s. Government officials are “assessing feasibility,” which is political language for “We’re not saying no, but we’re definitely sweating.” If it happens, expect events like the 100‑metre dash in Manchester drizzle, synchronised complaining in Leeds, and the Liverpool‑hosted boxing final where the judges award points for sarcasm.

So that’s the week: titles won, cups lifted, managers rotated like tyres, golfers conquering impossible terrain, rugby queens ruling the continent, and the North possibly preparing to host the world.

Frankly, it’s been exhausting. I need a lie‑down and possibly a small trifle.