A Few Basic Points About Driving .

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Let’s review a few basic points about driving, because apparently we, as a civilisation, have collectively decided that operating a one‑ton metal projectile at motorway speeds is the perfect time to also eat a yoghurt, adjust the radio, discipline a child, and conduct a full‑scale archaeological dig in the glovebox for that one mint you swear you had in 2019.

I am not saying I am a perfect driver. I am saying that compared to the average motorist, I am basically Lewis Hamilton with slightly worse eyebrows. My main flaw is that I occasionally shout helpful feedback at other drivers, such as “YOU ABSOLUTE TURNIP,” which I consider a public service.

Let’s begin with Point One: Indicators Are Not Optional.  
Indicators are not a fun decorative feature, like a novelty air freshener shaped like a pineapple. They are a communication device. They are how you tell the rest of us whether you intend to turn left, turn right, or simply drift aimlessly across lanes like a confused shopping trolley. Yet many drivers treat indicators as a shameful secret, to be used only on special occasions, such as weddings or the birth of a child.

Point Two: The Speed Limit Is Not a Personal Challenge.  
Some drivers see a sign that says “40” and interpret it as “Try 73, you coward.” Others see “40” and think, “Ah yes, the perfect time to go 19, as though I am a Victorian widow out for a contemplative trot.” These two groups inevitably meet, usually on a single‑carriageway road, where they engage in a slow‑motion duel that lasts for several geological eras.

Point Three: Parking Is Not Performance Art.  
I have witnessed parking manoeuvres so baffling they should be submitted to the Tate Modern. There are people who can reverse a caravan into a space the size of a shoebox, and then there are people who, when attempting to park, appear to be trying to dock the International Space Station using only their emotions. If you cannot fit your car between two white lines, that is fine simply park in another county!

Point Four: The Middle Lane Is Not a Lifestyle Choice.  
Some motorists enter the middle lane of a motorway and then remain there until the heat death of the universe. They will not move. They will not be moved. They have chosen their lane, and they will defend it with the grim determination of a medieval knight. Meanwhile, the rest of us are forced to overtake them on the right, the left, and possibly from above using a small helicopter.

Point Five: Roundabouts Are Not Thunderdome.  
A roundabout is a simple concept: cars go around in a circle until they leave the circle. That’s it. Yet every roundabout becomes a gladiatorial arena where drivers abandon all known laws of physics, courtesy, and occasionally gravity. Some people approach a roundabout as though it is a polite negotiation. Others approach it like they are launching an amphibious assault.

Point Six: Your Sat‑Nav Is Not the Law.  
If your sat‑nav tells you to turn right into a river, you do not have to obey it. Your sat‑nav is not your boss. Your sat‑nav is a small, confused rectangle that occasionally forgets where it is. If it starts saying things like “Turn left now” while you are on a bridge, you are allowed to shout “NO” at it.

In conclusion, driving would be a calm, pleasant experience if not for the presence of other drivers, who insist on doing things like existing. But until teleportation becomes mainstream, we must all share the roads  indicators, roundabouts, turnips and all.


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