Whiskey Tinted Regret

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Alcohol is the only drug where people get mad when you don’t do it.  
You ever tell someone you’re not drinking? They look at you like you just kicked their dog.  
‘What do you mean you’re not drinking? You sick? You pregnant? You found Jesus?’  
No, I just don’t wanna wake up in a Burger king toilet wearing someone else’s shoes."

"Alcohol is like that friend who hypes you up for bad decisions.  
You’re in the pub, three whiskey chasers in, and suddenly everything sounds like a good idea.  
‘You should text your ex.’  
‘You should buy a boat.’  
‘You should fight that guy with neck tattoos.’  
And you’re like, ‘Yeah! Let’s ruin my credit score and my jawline!’"

People drink like they’re trying to unlock a secret level.  
‘Hey, we did 12 Jägerbombs and a keg stand and then we went streaking through a hedge maze!’  
And then other people drink like they’re trying to survive a family reunion.  
‘Just give me something strong enough to forget Aunty Mildred's Cherry pie and Uncle Ray’s conspiracy theories.’"

"Alcohol is the only substance where the hangover is a TED Talk.  
You wake up and your body’s like, ‘Let’s discuss your choices.’  
Your liver’s filing HR complaints.  
Your stomach’s doing the Macarena.  
And your brain’s like, ‘Next time, maybe don’t mix tequila with regret.’"

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