The Weekly News Review. 7th November 2025. A Week So Bleak Even the Pigeons Look Concerned.

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Right then, news hounds grab your monocle, polish your outrage, and prepare to be emotionally mugged by the headlines of the week. It’s been seven days of political pantomime, royal evictions, climate doom, and international beef so spicy it could melt your eyebrows.

Let’s start with Prince Andrew, who’s been officially booted from Royal Lodge and stripped of his remaining titles. He’ll now be known as Mr Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, which sounds like a minor character in a BBC period drama who gets poisoned by a scone. MPs are urging the PM to bar him from succession and any regency, which is like banning a pigeon from piloting Concorde  technically unnecessary, but emotionally satisfying.

Meanwhile, Chancellor Rachel Reeves is weighing a 2p rise in income tax, which is like being mugged by someone who says “sorry” while doing it. The PM refused to repeat Labour’s pledge not to raise taxes, which is political speak for “we’re absolutely raising taxes, but we’d like you to be surprised”.

In international news, the Western Sahara saga hit its 50-year mark of occupation and betrayal. Ehmudi Lebsir, a Sahrawi refugee, walked 50 kilometres across the desert at 17 to survive  and half a century later, he’s still waiting to go home. Spain’s response has been to shrug in tapas and hope nobody asks awkward questions.

Donald Trump has skipped oral arguments at the Supreme Court over his economic policy, presumably because even he realised turning up might backfire harder than a Ford Fiesta with a hangover. His tariff tantrums continue to rattle global markets, while Xi Jinping plays geopolitical chess with a smug grin and a pocket full of sanctions.

Back in Blighty, Bella Culley, the British “drugs mule” jailed in Georgia, has landed back in the UK after her release. She was greeted by tabloid photographers, a man dressed as a pineapple, and someone shouting “You go girl!” from a passing bus. Her next move is either a book deal or a stint on I’m a Celebrity: Georgian Prison Edition.

Elsewhere, Virginia Giuffre continues to haunt Andrew with fresh revelations from an unseen interview. The Palace is reportedly “concerned”, which is code for “we’ve locked the gates and changed the Netflix password”.

In wildlife crime, the world’s most lucrative illegal trade isn’t ivory or rhino horn — it’s eel. That’s right, slippery little fish sticks are being smuggled across borders like aquatic contraband. Somewhere, a Bond villain is stroking a tank of glass eels and whispering “soon…”.

Meanwhile, Sabrina Carpenter mock arrested Drew Barrymore at a gig in New York, proving that even celebrity interactions now resemble pantomime sketches written by AI. Barrymore smiled, Carpenter posed, and the internet exploded with hashtags like #ShortnSweet and #ArrestMeDaddy.

And finally, in climate news, scientists have warned that unless governments deliver emission cuts immediately, we’re locking the world into “catastrophic warming”. That’s right  we’re one missed recycling bin away from turning the planet into a giant Ready Brek advert. World leaders responded by nodding solemnly and then boarding private jets to discuss it over canapés.

So there you have it: a week of royal rebrandings, eel smuggling, and climate doom. Tune in next week when someone else gets evicted from a palace, someone else gets mock-arrested on stage, and someone else discovers that eels are the new cocaine.





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