That Sporting Week in Review.

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This week in sport: Manchester United won at Anfield, pigs flew, and Harry Maguire became a cult hero again.

Yes, United beat Liverpool 2–1, which is the footballing equivalent of your nan winning a UFC bout! Bryan Mbeumo opened the scoring in the second minute, which was so unexpected that even VAR had to double check it wasn’t a prank. Liverpool equalised through Cody Gakpo, who was so bored of hitting the woodwork he decided to aim for the net. But then, in the 84th minute, Harry Maguire a man previously known for turning like a ferry in treacle rose like a salmon and nodded in the winner. Somewhere, a thousand memes died of shock.

Ruben Amorim, United’s manager and part-time Portuguese wizard, celebrated like a man who’s just discovered the secret to turning Cassamiro into a functioning midfielder. Meanwhile, Arne Slot looked like a man who’d just realised managing Liverpool is less “heavy metal football” and more “trying to fix a broken vacuum with a spoon.”

Elsewhere, Chelsea battered Ajax 5–1 in the Champions League, which is impressive until you remember Ajax sold their entire squad to Brighton! Liverpool, meanwhile, are not top of their group, but they are top of the “most money spent on forwards who can’t finish” table!

In cricket, England beat New Zealand in the second T20I, with Phil Salt batting like a man who’s just found out his flight home is delayed unless he scores 50. The Kiwis, meanwhile, are still wondering how they lost to a team that thinks “Bazball” is a real word.

Formula 1 saw Red Bull fined for fiddling with Lando Norris’s grid tape, which is apparently a serious offence now. Max Verstappen said he’s “ready to fight,” which is brave considering the only thing he’s fought recently is boredom.

And in tennis, Saudi Arabia bought another tournament, because nothing says “love” like 45°C heat and a centre court made of oil barrels.

Back in the Premier League, Sean Dyche is reportedly off to Nottingham Forest, where he’ll attempt to build a team out of leftover Burnley players and gravel. Forest fans are excited, mostly because they’ve forgotten what excitement feels like.

And finally, grassroots sport continues to thrive, with Year 9 rugby players losing 42–0 but gaining “valuable character,” which is PE teacher code for “we got flattened but at least no one cried.”


So there you are that’s your week in sport: shock wins, managerial roulette, and Maguire’s forehead saving the day. Tune in next week when Spurs fans will still be insisting it’s “their year,” and Ruben Amorim will be knighted for services to improbable victories.


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