Te Weekly Entertainment News Round Up. 31st October.

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Kirsty Gallacher gets booted, Jonathan Ross gets snakey, and Katy Perry gets Trudeau’d — it’s been a week of celebrity chaos so British it could be served with gravy.

Right, strap in and hold onto your sequins, because this week’s celebrity roundup is so baffling it could’ve been written by a sentient bottle of Lambrini. First up, Kirsty Gallacher, former Sky Sports presenter and national treasure of the “I’m just popping to Tesco in heels” variety, revealed she was “kicked like a football” by a masked stranger in central London. The assailant remains unidentified, but sources suspect it was either a rogue Deliveroo cyclist or the ghost of GMTV past. Kirsty’s bruises are real, her trauma is raw, and her ability to still look glam while describing it is frankly supernatural.

Meanwhile, Jonathan Ross has gone full pantomime villain on Celebrity Traitors, allegedly outing a fellow traitor with all the subtlety of a drunk uncle at a wedding. Viewers described the moment as “iconic,” “snakey,” and “like watching a man try to play chess with a pigeon.” Ross, who’s been famous since the invention of vowels, now finds himself branded a “snake” by fellow contestants, which is ironic given his career has always slithered between genius and baffling chat show chaos.

In the land of celebrity weddings, The Lord of the Rings star Billy Boyd crashed a couple’s nuptials at Hobbiton, presumably because nothing says “eternal love” like a man in elf boots shouting “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” at the buffet queue. The bride reportedly cried tears of joy, while the groom Googled “Is this legally binding if a hobbit officiates?”

David Harbour, the man who looks like he’s permanently halfway through a Greggs steak bake, was spotted with Lily Allen’s children after her album hinted he might be emotionally AWOL. Harbour responded by going full stepdad mode, possibly turning up with a Nerf gun and a copy of The Gruffalo. Lily, meanwhile, continues to release music that sounds like heartbreak wrapped in glitter.

Sophie Turner, fresh off her split from Joe Jonas, is rumoured to be dating Chris Martin, Coldplay’s human equivalent of a scented candle. This marks a bold transition from boyband chaos to Gwyneth-approved beige. Turner’s reps deny it, but insiders say she’s already Googled “how to pretend to like kale.”

And finally, in a plot twist so surreal it could’ve been written by AI after a bottle of rosé, Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau are allegedly dating. Yes, that Katy Perry and that Justin Trudeau. The pop princess and the Canadian PM have apparently bonded over mutual interests like diplomacy, fireworks, and confusing the hell out of everyone. Perry’s next single is rumoured to be called “Maple Syrup & Misunderstanding.”

So there you have it. A week where celebrities got kicked, kissed, and Krispy Kremed by fate. Tune in next week when Ant and Dec announce they’re joining Love Island, Mary Berry drops a drill rap album, and Boris Johnson gets cast as the next Doctor Who. Probably.



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